an apology…

Dear Rich,

Do I ever tell you enough how much I love you? Do I give you enough hugs? Do I hold your hand enough? Tonight I acted like a bitch more than once. On the way home, I didn’t say a word to you, except maybe to give you a slight glance or mumble something under my breath that only I could hear. Just now I told you to get out of the room so I could write my entry–knowing you weren’t feeling well, after you just asked to see a bruise that I blamed on you.

Right now I’m crying. It feels like there are so many things I don’t tell you. At times I wish you were a mind reader. Sometimes I wish you would just know exactly what is wrong with me, would know the perfect thing to say. You are like a peaceful blanket. When you touch me, I become calm. Tonight when my arm rested against yours while I was driving, I pulled away.

Sometimes I don’t want calm. Sometimes I like to drown in my own self-bitterness. Tonight on the way home I felt like I wanted to slam my head against the glass and let the little pieces kiss my face, leaving scars behind. I wanted to make a physical pain for the emotional pain that I felt at the time. I’m overly dramatic, yes.

You see, I’m upset about Thanksgiving. This will be the first year that I am away from my family for it. Today when all the other teachers were practically jumping up and down with joy, I walked quietly by. I didn’t really want to get out of school for a vacation. I didn’t really want to come home early today. I love you. I love spending time with you. But the thought of Thanksgiving without my family hurts. I miss my dad. I miss my mom. You know, I always used to go home to her every day and tell her how my day went. It hurts to get her email that says “it’s okay that you can’t come home” and know that she really does care. It hurts her. It hurts to know that Sara has to call me to tell me the “right” thing to do. It hurts that she has to tell me how much my mom is upset because I’m not coming home. It’s hard to see my dad, who doesn’t always show a lot of emotion, look at me and then away and know that he misses me more than he would ever tell me. It hurts to know that I don’t visit my grandparents every week like I used to and know that my grandma has to give me a hug when she does see me because that time is far and in between now. It hurts to go home and only be able to give Kip a big hug, to know that he has a tangled mane and no one is there to brush it out.

I miss so much, Rich. I think you are used to being away from home to a certain extent. The thought of not spending Thanksgiving with your family probably makes you sad, but with me, it makes me want to cry. Which is why I wouldn’t talk to you on the way home. I felt like I was going to cry at any minute, and I didn’t want to do that. I thought about so much on the way home.

And after Thanksgiving, I started thinking about Christmas. The lights on the houses when we drove home were beautiful. But they only served to remind me that you will be going home soon and I won’t get to spend Christmas with you. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like having to take you to the airport and kiss you goodbye. Even though it will only be for a few weeks.

I’m sorry I’ve been a bitch. I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t openly express my feelings. I do love you. But tonight, and sometimes, I feel like I’m falling apart inside emotionally.

I love you,

Manda