A little of everything and a baby pic
It’s amazing how stressed I can feel about work without even being there. I go back on February 13th. I’m actually incredibly lucky that I’ve been home with Abby as long as I have. Most people go back after 6 weeks. I have had more than that with her–especially because Christmas vacation fell around the same time. When I looked at her today though and realized that I will have to leave her soon to go to work, I felt incredible sadness. I feel like my inlaws raise my children at times. I feel like she’ll look on them as mommy and daddy. They will get to spend more waking hours with her than I will very soon. I’m lucky. I KNOW I’m lucky to have them and that she, both of them for that matter, can go with relatives instead of going to daycare. But I feel such guilt.
We can’t afford for me to stay home with them. And quite honestly, before Abby, I thought I would detest being a stay at home mom. But I’ve come to enjoy caring for both of them every day. Now I have to give it up.
"We are looking forward to you coming back. K is struggling." I’ve gotten emails such as this one from parents. I know that I’ve been out longer than I should have when looking at it from that aspect. I log onto my gradebook and see the grades the substitute has given my students. The vast majority are at C and below. Granted, they are lazy kids (and I can HONESTLY say that of kids these days). All they need to do is read stories and complete worksheets. Some aren’t even doing that. I have to lead them through everything we do.
I question, is the subsitute doing that? Does she leave them to fend for themselves?
Why do I really care? Haven’t I said enough that my heart isn’t in teaching anymore?
These kids aren’t the huggy lovey type. I had the following conversation with one student…
"how long will you be out with the baby?"
"Only six weeks. I’ll be back with you guys before long."
"But what if you fell, then you’d be out for a long, long time. Right?"
"Let’s hope that doesn’t happen."
"Why not? We could have the sub for a long time then. I wouldn’t mind."
That was from a regular, sweet (normally) girl. I teach 11th grade English. It is less stressful than what I was teaching, but I dont’ get the opportunity to connect with the kids as much.
I feel like a tidal wave is coming. I feel myself bordering on slight depression on leaving Abby. And Alex. Guilt at being out. And a mile long list of things I need to do before going back.
And the planning. I need to do the planning. And organize the endless amount of data that teachers these days need to compile to prove that they are doing their jobs.
Craziness.