6 Weeks, 3 Days

Dear baby,

You a surprise and I don’t even know how to describe my feelings as I write this to you. I took a test this past week thinking that there was no possible way that I could be pregnant. Daddy and I spend more time chasing your sisters than we do with each other at this point. How would it be possible to be pregnant when I perfectly planned trying to get pregnant with your sisters and even then it took a year or so both times?

When I bought the pregnancy test, Abby on one hip, pulling Alex along by the hand with the other, listening to her say "what’s that mommy?" as she pointed at the test, the lady at the register cheerily told me "good luck!" And I’m ashamed to say at that point, I thought that I didn’t want luck.

How could we afford another child?

When would I find time to spend with your daddy with three kids?

How could I go through another c-section? More up all night episodes with a crying baby and then off to work in the morning?

But as we know, you are now with me. I called my doctor because there had been complications before. Former miscarriages. And this last time, an early birth. Your sister was born at 34 weeks and ended up in the NICU.

As I lay on the table, looking at a dark screen, I stil told myself nothing would be there. But then, I saw you. It made it real. More real even than my other pregnancies. You are truly there. Just a small thing, hardly recognizable, with a flickering heart.

And even though you weren’t planned and I see hard times ahead, even though the doctor told me there would be weekly shots when I reach 16 weeks to keep you in longer, all I could think about was your flickering heart.

I do love you. I want to keep you safe in me and do all I can for you.

Love,

Mommy