what’s the word i’m looking for?

I’m a little worked up tonight, and feeling pretty retarded about it.

we’re rapidly approaching my longest ‘real’ relationship…  i know it’s dumb and i know it’s lame, but it’s kicked back up a lot of the "when is the other shoe gonna drop" fears i had near the beginning of the relationship.  combine that with a few recent events where i feel like i’m cutting into time she’d have otherwise spent on other things (family, friends, school, work, whatever it might be), and i’m kinda flippin my shit a smidge tonight.

i know this fear of a blindsiding breakup comes from past experience.  the same for the worry that there’s something *not* being said that i’m not picking up on.  

when i sit down and look at it logically, it’s all amazing, but i could have said the same thing about my past relationship at a particular point, then a week later, i got kicked to the curb.  i find myself, over the past week or so, trying really really hard to make sure i’m not overextended or overstaying my welcome, and then that leads to hurt feelings, explanations of my bullshit baggage, and everyone’s worse for wear.

i don’t want to smother, i don’t want to abandon, i dont want to over-extend, i dont want to drag anyone away from their life, i dont want anyone to resent me for any missed opportunities, i just…  i just wanna trust myself.  that’s what it boils down to, what i’ll have to figure out how to get to.  not much i can do to reach that goal other than just sit in the uncomfortable and see that it’s not true.  

i just can’t believe i haven’t fucked it up yet, it’s gotta be coming soon, right?

agh, night.

-b