well, that escalated quickly

 remember how life was going well last time?  yeah, that’s down the shitter again.

best man moved to cali.  was a mess for about a week straight, crying, anxiety, the whole 9 yards.  

went to a friend’s bachelor party in chicago, and had a really terrible time.  several guys in the party got in fights/verbal altercations with various drivers/bouncers/patrons/one another.  Gave me some serious flashes of what my dad was like when he was around, getting drunk and either hitting people or intimidating people to the point where it might as well have been hitting.  really spooked me, and almost a week later still trying to get back into the swing of things without ptsd-style funk.

looks like i’m on the verge of losing another groomsman.  i asked someone if he was sober enough to drive, he took offense to that, i tried to apologize, heard nothing for a week, then got a huge email outlining all these ways in which i’m a horrible person.  responded to that, been almost another week, and haven’t heard anything back.  beginning to wonder if he’s right, and that’s why my ‘friends’ keep taking off.  does everyone think they’re a good person?  how do you know if you’re actually a dick and people hate you?

work’s stressful, way too stacked up without enough motivation to actually get it all done.

was kind of a dick to carolyn during the week where all this was happening, and had to make amends for that.

really afraid that i’m just going to keep losing people in my life, between folks moving (nic, jo) and people choosing to leave my world, i’m down 4 people in the past 6 months.  i don’t have enough people to lose them at this clip.  

i hope this just blows over, but i don’t see it happening.  that’s not really this guy’s style, he’s going to want to draw it out to a big long argument, and i just don’t have the energy (or emotional fortitude) to let this go on for months.  he and i have had some serious issues in the past, but i thought they were all squashed, until he decided to bring them up again in this conversation.  what. the. fuck.  

i’m just spinning circles, mentally, right now, so i’m gonna take off i guess…  going back to an old remedy to try and turn things around emotionally, night.