used

feeling more than a little used right now.  not in the usual way, where people come to me for help with moving or computer shit or whatever (because that’s happened a lot too) but particularly for a boost in ego.

i feel like several people lately have come to me when they’re having a low self esteem day looking for some reassurance that they’re wanted, just to know that they are, then that’s enough for them.  i don’t think people realize how much that sort of thing can sting.  it’s like someone coming along, saying "hey, you still like me right?  good to know, thanks, peace" and on their way they go.  i don’t think people understand how shitty that makes someone feel.  fuck, i can’t even think of an analogy for it it’s so unique. 

i can deal with people using me because of my computer knowledge or whatever, because i don’t really give a flying fuck about that.  it’s not a defining part of me, it’s not something i take particular PRIDE in, it’s not something i’ve built my life around, it’s not something that’s the basis of who i am. unfortunately, my need, desire, willingness, weakness toward, compulsion, to helping pick people up, or wanting to make people feel a little better than they did to begin with, leads me into situations where i’m left with an imbalance in power.  some people stop by to make themselves feel better, like they’ve "still got it".  where the fuck am i supposed to go when i need that pick me up?

is that normal?  do people have their go to "sad friends" that they can look at and see "wow, at least i’m not at the level of that poor schmuck"?  

my teeth really hurt, which would lead me to believe i’ve been teeth-clenchingly stressed today.  doesn’t help that there’s very little for me to do at work lately. 

i’m not getting anywhere good with this entry.  i might ramble later in my other blog, but you people don’t need to see more of this.  don’t even get me started on my thoughts on other people lately.  they’re not good.