today

 today was a whirlwind.   i didn’t feel in control of anything, didn’t feel like i could help anything…

my girlfriend’s tiny little 3-year-old cousin, ellie, was having (her third) open-heart surgery today.  there were some complications which meant the surgery took about 3 hours longer than expected…  from what i can gather, she’s doing ok in recovery now, but all day long it really ate away at me.  i try to be positive and supportive and all those things a good boyfriend’s supposed to be during a poopoo time…

i just… i didn’t know how to help.  i don’t know shit about the medical problem, i don’t know shit about recovery, i just felt.. helpless… and i know that has to sound sort of full-of-myself and whatever, but i really was clueless as to how to do anything to help….

so now i’m wrapped up in anxiousness, feeling out of control, about to leave town for the weekend.  this doesn’t feel good.  i’m scared.