the usual

 lately, been having a lot of anxiousness.  not full on anxiety attacks, but like running thoughts, mostly centered around money.  

i don’t know if i’ve written about this before, but carolyn makes more money than me.  that, in and of itself, i don’t have an issue with.  like i’m not that guy that thinks ‘oh, the guy needs to bring home the bacon’, all that kinda thing.  it’s just the fact that we’re trying to save up to pay for this huge wedding,  i work a salaried job. i go to work, i come home, i get paid x.  carolyn has the ability to pick up overtime shifts, night shifts, weekend shifts, all of which have bonuses.  this means that she can contribute infinitely more money to the wedding fund than i can.  combined with more monthly expenses on my part (cell phone, credit card payments, car loan, etc), it leaves me in a really tough situation.

i know there are other ways i can contribute and help out in the relationship, but there’s really nothing i can do that can come close to the pile of money she’ll have to raise for this wedding, it’ll probably end up being about 2:1 when it’s all said and done.  i just can’t find a way, in my head, to have that be ok, and it’s driving me nuts.  this wedding’s going to cost close to 25 grand, and i’m going to be able to kick in, when it’s all said and done, something like 5k.  compared to the 10 she’ll come up with and the 10 her parents kicked in.  
makes me feel like a moocher, like that episode of friends where phoebe, rachel, and joey can’t afford to do the things the ‘rich’ friends do, and no matter what the other half says or does, it still makes the poor folk feel like shit, because it all revolves around how they’re not bringing up their side of the budget.  

i have no idea how to fix this, but i know i need to, cause this isn’t ok.