rumination magication

what happens when/if she gets a better handle on this issue in her head?  what if she doesn’t want to be with me, or isn’t willing to even give it a shot?  what invites that to me?
i can think of at least 4 different examples where i’ve been the ‘testing bed’ for people.  where they come to me with some issue, i do my best to help them out, and then they go out into the world, a better and healthier person, and live happily ever after with someone new.  what invites me to get beat down, to be the person that helps build someone up, and then someone else gets to see and enjoy the result of that? 

i’m really, really afraid that a month down the road she’s going to pop up and say "hey, im over this, but i dont want to be with you. i’m gonna go find someone else."  and see someone new, and i’m going to be left with nothing but the fact that yes, the work was worth it, but for someone else.  i just wish i could know that i’d get a look when it was better.  i’m not saying i’m going to ‘wait’ or ‘hope’ or whatever, but it just seems like i’ve seen this pattern before, and it’s going to end up with me watching someone else ride off into the sunset with the person i fancy, with a "hey, thanks for the help, pal" thrown over the shoulder.

goddamn i’m fucked in the head, eh?  is that totally fucking nuts to think?  am i just grasping at straws?  kidding myself?  being a selfish prick? what is it?  i’m just really unsure how to act right now. 

hell, in my head, what’s the problem with just a "see where it goes" approach, where we roll things back a few steps, make it a little more casual, test the waters, whatever.  you can’t learn to swim without going in the pool.  

fuck, now i’m getting to a bad place again, i’m ending this entry now and going home. bye.