oye.

really, really hard night anxiety-wise.  i dont know what it was, but i couldn’t shut my mind off, couldn’t stop thinking of things i wish were different, couldn’t stop thinking of "what-ifs" and all that jazz.  still sort of in it now.  debating whether to let it out or just try and move past it.

hopefully i can get some OK sleep tonight and it’ll be gone in the morning.  i dont want to be the person that was in my head tonight, that person’s no fun to be, and that person’s definitely no fun to be around.  i think i ran headfirst into confrontation of a known trigger, and it’s sort of catching up to me.  i knew what i was doing when i invited a dozen people over, then had someone over a few nights later, but it may be time to back off from that trigger for a little bit.  this isn’t the time to tie myself up in knots just because i think "i should" have no problem inviting people over to my place.  i’m worrying about what other people think or how i ‘should’ act.  that’s not where i wanna be.

i have a person that makes me incredibly happy, someone who lets me in, lets me take care of them, and who responds in kind when i need a bit of a pick-me-up.  i should spend my time being happy about that, rather than trying to ‘fix’ the little things that are left wrong with me.

fork in the road, time to make the choices that line up with where i wanna go.