little rant

so almost every single one of my female friends, along with my girlfriend, is way into true blood.  why?  the hot guys.  omg hot guys with their shirts off omg smutty delicious.

it makes me really uncomfortable, especially from my gf…

i’m not a hot guy.  in order to be in the ‘healthy’ range of the BMI, i’d have to lost around 60-70 pounds. i don’t look FAAAAAAT, but i’m not in shape by any means.

when everyone i talk to is all about these HAWT GUYS on true blood, then my girlfriend is all anxious to watch this show, it just picks away at the self esteem problems that come along with being rolly-polly…  i try to avoid oogling or lingering on hot girls to avoid such a feeling being evoked in my lady.  the amount of fanfare over this show purely for the naked dudes bugs me.  a lot.  makes me feel insecure and like it’s not enough and fatter than i actually am.

i know i’m big, i know my body isn’t attractive, but for some reason, this show is reinforcing that feeling in my head over and over again, to the point where just the thought of it sends me into a swirl of self-hatred.  it’s happened three times already today. nothing i can do to change the way my body looks like right.  i can make small steps, but odds are i’ll never look like the dudes in that show.  so really, i’m just left with this assumption that the ‘true blood’ view of things is sexy, and i’m… not.  and that’s not good, and not something i really care to curl up on a couch on sunday nights and watch, no matter how many times i might get to sort of see anna paquin’s nipple.  

i don’t know what i expect to come of this.  i just know i’m getting this cruddy feeling when true blood gets mentioned, cause it sort of paints, in my head, just out gross i am.

ick.