i have issues

i have issues.  basically, it boils down to abandonment issues.  that’s where it all stems from, and how it manifests now.  my dad did it, my mom did it, my friends did it, my lovers have done it, and i can’t figure a way to stop it.  whether i play it smooth and calm or jump in head first, somehow, i end up being the one left in the dust.  i’m tired of seeing people walk away.

i keep people at arm’s distance to keep myself safe.  only after years and years and years and years of vetting do i let them in.  jo, and kelli are the only two who have survived that to get inside the walls.  and they’ve earned it by not abandoning.  by following through on their word, with their emotion, and working to make the relationship work.  making themselves better, making me better, being there when i need them, understanding my irrationalities, etc. 

this time around, with jeannie, i bought in.  i let my guard down, and it was great.  i thought i’d found someone who was willing to be there for me in the good times and bad, who i could work for, we could work together, and who would be there to help make sense of this fucked up thing called life.  as i got deeper into it, i realized how much of myself i was letting her see.  how much trust i was placing in her to not turn around one day and flip the script.  i honestly thought it was perfect.  somehow, i was just flat out wrong. 

now i’m left wondering what’s wrong with me. what is it about me that isn’t worth it?  i’ve never had a relationship last longer than a fucking oil change.  that’s ridiculous.  all that runs through my head the past week is how she won’t give us another chance and how she’s closed the door on the future after 3 months.  yet this other guy got 6 years?  you can’t tell me it was 5.9 great years and then boom, changed the mind and bolted.  he was worth a fight, he was worth a chance, and i’m not.

there’s something in me that just isn’t worth it.  and i wish someone would sack up and tell me what it is.  too fat?  too clingy?  too mushy?  too ‘real’?  too WHAT?  what the fuck is it that makes everyone else worth a shot, worth fighting for, and makes me easiest to kick to the curb?

i deserve the truth.  because right now it just appears like finding someone isn’t in the cards for me.  if it didn’t work with jeannie, where everything seemed to be hearts and fucking flowers for the first 3 months, how do i even begin to avoid going down another path of being abandoned?  i can’t.  i won’t.  i get to sit back and watch people who have that indescribable, seemingly secret thing that makes me not worth a commitment from anymore, not worth the effort. 

seriously, if you know what it is, tell me, because the way things are going right now, i’m not comfortable thinking about getting into another relationship, like ever.  i can’t deal with letting myself open up to someone only to have it follow the same script where something comes along that makes me unbearable to be with, unworthy of a fight.

and that’s why i’m not really friends with the people who have done this to me, because i can’t stop wondering, i can’t stop thinking "what the fuck did i do?"  and nobody’s willing to give me an answer.  everyone gives me the same "its not you, its me" or "you didnt do anything" stuff that doesn’t feel like it holds an ounce of sincerity. 

there’s something seriously wrong with me, and it’s fucking insane to keep running my head into the same brick wall, my heart in pieces on the ground, when i’m left at the end without an answer.  i just wish someone felt like i was either (a) worth the fight or at least (b) worth telling why i’m not worth the fight.

i’m sick of people telling me things, convincing me to allow them in, and then once i get up the cajones to actually do it, they up and leave without a legit explanation.  i dont want relationships ending because of smoke and mirrors, i want them ending for real reasons.  i can’t make myself better if i dont know what i did wrong, what happened.

fuck it.  i’m done for now.  thoroughly down on myself and pessimistic for the future.  just like i like it the day before a football kickoff. 

fuck!