double-beat

so the past few days have been a bit stressy.  possible big fat stressy situation last night that turned out pretty well, except i had sort of worked myself up with all these "oh man, what’s gonna happen" expectations, so when there wasn’t a big fat explosion, my mind didn’t have anywhere to put the nervous energy.  combine that with a lack of sleep (who the fuck knew cranium could take 3+ hours to play? geeeez), and i was all over the map today.

took a good bit of energy to get through today.  the thing i’ve got to figure out, probably before bed, is what to do about days like these in the future.

most of my anxiety today was based on how i’ve been treated in past relationships.  i have an amazing woman here, ready to listen whenever i want to talk, ready to help in whatever way she can, ready to distract if i need it, ready to dive in if i need to marinate on something.  i’ve heard this before.  i’ve been told "I’ll be there" or "i’m ready for whatever", and then, when things got shitty, PEACE.  bolted.  done.  to be fair, i’m nowhere near as fucked up as i was back in the day, but i’m still afraid to lean on someone in a relationship.

i already made the decision a few months back, when she and i were just friends, to ‘let her in.’  that was based on the whole "she let me in, she’s trusting that i’m not gonna burn her, it seems only right to reciprocate"  obviously things have taken some steps since then, and it seems like my mind is forcing me to make this decision again.  you can get a hell of a lot more hurt by someone you love than by ‘a friend.’  fact.  and i think my brain is worried that’s going to happen again.  

i’m not perfect.  nobody is.  nobody can be happy-go-lucky all the time, nobody can be 100% confident and sure of themselves all the time.  people sometimes are down, people sometimes need reassurance, people sometimes need help.  in every relationship up until now, i’ve felt like a weirdo for being of that opinion.  i’d reach out, ask for that assistance, and sometimes it was there, sometimes it wasn’t.  and that was it.  i spent time with these people and they rarely, if ever, showed that sign of ‘human’ness…  something might come up that i know i could help with, know that i would be able to listen to, know that i would be helpful, and i never got let in.  i would be spending my time and my emotions on a 

then, when things started to go down the shitter, it got tossed back in my face that i was somehow living in an uneven relationship, somehow a big drain on the other person.  it’s happened 3 times, and each time i took it really, really hard.  i’m not in this world looking for superficial.  i’m not out there looking for a person with whom i get along only when we’re both at our tip-top.  i want the person who’s seen the worst i have to offer, the person who knows the things that absolutely tear me apart inside, and wants to be there to help me get past that moment.  i want the person who’s willing to let me be there for them.  i want the person who cares enough about themselves and who understands themselves in a deep enough way to know when they need an extra hand, who isn’t afraid to let someone help them.  that’s a real person. that’s a well-rounded person.  that’s a complete human.  sometimes, for whatever reason, people aren’t there at a given time.   i honestly hold no ill will toward anyone i’ve had relationships with in the past, friendly or romantic, it’s in the past, people are different than they were back in the day, whatever, it’s done.

there’s one person that i still can’t give a free pass to, though, and that’s my dad.  20+ years ago.  i know addiction is a disease, i know it leads to irrational decisions, but i’m still holding onto the thought of "wow.  he had the choice to quit drinking/blazing, he had that choice to keep me, his FUCKING SON in his life, and he chose the green."  he chose the shallow route, he chose to keep it easy rather than make an effort for me. so, for the moment, fuck him.  

so that brings us back to the here-and-now.  i have a woman standing in front of me asking to be let in, asking to help with these things, and i’m realizing that i’ve almost been doing a weird combination of "no, you show me yours" and a game of chicken, where i’m just sort of making her ‘prove’ in some weird way that she’s going to let me waaaay in before i even open my door up to this part of my mind a smidge?  that’s pretty bullshit pricky of me, now that i put it out on (e)paper like that, eh?

so there it is.  i’m doing the same shit to her that i’ve had done to me, withholding my bullshit, letting her be the only one laying their cards on the table.  well, that’s gotta stop.  so here’s my cards.  this entry, that’s the first of my cards.  i can’t say i won’t recoil occasionally, but i feel like there’s something different here, for starters, i’ve seen the human side of her, something i very rarely, if ever, have seen from others.  and that’s the thing that gives me the butterflies in the tummy, the thought that this seems to be based in exactly what i’ve been looking for thus far.

random thought, my hair gets REALLY fluffy after a nice wash.  i wish i could wash it like 9 times a day so it’s 24/7 fluffy.  

and so when i wrote that line about ‘butterflies’ it reminded me of a song i really love, heard it live, and it was the song that made me go find out more about the artist, one i’ve seen live 3 times now.

The song is "Butterfly" by mason jennings, and here are the lyrics and audio, for your enjoyment.  voila.

Look at me now
I’m all dressed up in your words today
Do you think about me
What do you think about me
And if it comes down
It’s still about the sweet little things you say
After all that i’ve run from,
Where the fuck did you come from
Butterfly, baby i still have my doubts about you ’cause
Butterfly, ’cause i can’t find nothing bad about you and
Butterfly, you mess me up you made my heart double beat and
Butterfly, i don’t know how it is you got inside of me
But you’re in there now
Oh you’re in there now, you’re in there now
You made me yours
With your lovely cures
And life is life
I don’t why it is i do things like this
After all that i’ve come from
You’re the woman i should run from
Butterfly, baby i still have my doubts about you ’cause
Butterfly, ’cause i can’t find nothing bad about you and
Butterfly, you mess me up you made my heart double beat and
Butterfly, i don’t know how it is you got inside of me

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