deep breaths

it’s a quarter after midnight.  just got home from hanging with nic and jo again.  we went out, got sushi, sake bombs, then saw ‘scott pilgrim vs the world’

before that, i’d gone up to cedar rapids to visit my grandparents, who had told me a few months ago that after i got hired full time, we were gonna celebrate and grill out and stuff, and that finally rolled around to happening.  they’d bought the meat and everything. it was supposed to happen july 18.  jeannie was going to come.  there was an extra steak in the freezer because of it.

i don’t know if it’s just because my mind runs 100 miles an hour or because i just make bad choices in entertainment or what, but it seems like the past few days i can’t do anything without being reminded of her/us/the breakup/whatever in some way.  i’ll watch an episode of friends, and accidentally pick one where chandler gets dumped by janice.  i go to a movie, and there’s all sorts of reminders there.  i’ll go out with friends, suggest a song for the ipod, then realize it had some connection to some random fucking time she and i were jamming in the car.

does everyone have that period of time where around every turn something smacks you in the face to remind you that you’re alone? 

i had a pretty high level of anxiety all day long, morning to night, and tried to put on a happy face for everybody.  and it just hurt.  i wish i knew how it was going to go.

i spent an hour or so talking to a really good friend who’s going through a rough time.  she knows the goal, she knows how it’s going to turn out, but she’s just having trouble walking that path bravely.  i set aside whatever issues i had at that particular moment and dove headfirst into trying to get her to see that.  i’d give anything and my left nut to know where i’m headed.  to know how it’s goign to turn out.  to have the introduction, thesis statement, and conclusion to my paper.

when i first started therapy a year ago, one of the first things tina had me do was write down on a sheet of paper my short term (2-3 week) goals, my mid-term (1-3 month) goals, and my long term (6+ month goals).  anything and everything, from losing weight to being OK with exes to getting finances settled, whatever, just write it down.

i tried to do that tonight when i got home, to try and figure out what that point i was heading toward was, and i have no fucking clue.  i know where i’d rather be, what i’d rather be doing, but i don’t know where i want to see myself in 6 months.  i’m so wrapped up in right now, the hurt, the confusion, whatever, that i don’t know where the end of the tunnel is.  i know there is an end, i know the cloudiness won’t last forever, but i feel ineffectual without knowing the destination, or at least the direction.  it’s like wandering into the grocery store, but it’s fucking backwards world grocery store, and the aisles aren’t organized in any particular way, you have no idea what might be in each aisle, the frozen pizza is next to the ketchup which is next to the soup which is next to the deli meat.  and you’re just wandering through the store until you see what you think you might want.

that’s what i feel like i’m doing right now.  i don’t know the layout of the store, i don’t know what i’m looking for.  all i know is i’m not happy with what’s in my basket right now, and i’ve got no idea if i can do anything to change it.

i looked over during the movie at nic and jo, and they were rearranging their arms and the arm rest so they could hold hands during the movie.  that’s the feeling i miss, the one how i dont understand can just poof. 

i’m done now.  sorry for another depressing entry.  i know i’ll be ok eventually, but that eventually is not right now.