day 2

your first love… in great detail…

Let’s see.  I’m going to choose to write about the first time i THOUGHT i was in love.  It was about 1:30AM on sunday september 13th, 2009.

I had been seeing jess for a little over a month.  my first ‘grownup’ relationship of any real consequence.  that friday, we were supposed to hang out downtown, but she decided to go out with her friends instead.  (this would later become a big point of contention, as she very strictly kept me away from her friends.  i met probably 3 or 4 total during our ~ 2.5-3months together…)

after a pretty cold goodbye, she put up some sad twitter posts, and i went back over there and put on my best "hey, im fine, go have fun with your friends" face, which was complete bullshit, but in the end, i wanted her to go have a good time, even if i was feeling like shit.

i decided to go downtown and prove that i could ‘have fun without her’.  i went to DCs, one of the scummier bars, at least on friday nights, and met up with a friend who i knew didn’t like jess very much, along with a few other folks from work.  i proceeded to drink like a madman.  i took a couple photos with some other girls and put them on twitter in a lame attempt to make her jealous, or something.  i ended up drinking 4 steins of cheap domestic beer in under two hours, and going home.  i threw up in the sink, clogging it up.  the next morning, i had to get in a car and ride 2 hours to cover a football game in ames.  

woke up at 6, threw on the same clothes from the night before (which i’d find out halfway through the day had some barf stains on them…), and drug myself over to my boss’s house.  rode to ames, covered the game.  it was about 95 degrees,  i didn’t have any money to buy water, and i was hauling around about 30 pounds of camera gear all day.  

that night, i was going to stay over at jess’s place, so after a shower and whatnot to clean myself up, i went over there.  still hungover, still dehydrated, and still very much grumpy from the events of the night before, feeling unappreciated.  

we hung out that night, and it came time for bed, and i couldn’t sleep.  i lay there next to her, listening to her breath, trying to figure out why i couldn’t sleep, and the combination of all the factors mentioned in the previous graf culminated in me dropping the "L" bomb at about 1:30 sunday morning.   her response? "we don’t say that" and she went back to sleep.

needless to say, i didn’t sleep the rest of the night either.  we tried to talk about it the next morning, didn’t really get too far with that, it was a severely awkward topic.

i felt really dumb, rejected, all that sorta shit.  and that began the downward spiral of my anxiety that got me to the dark places i was in near the end of last year.

i came to realize that i wasn’t really in love, was just trying to explain how i was feeling, adn didn’t have the vocabulary at that point in the day, and so that blurted out.  i’ve since actually figured out what love is, but because i’m currently trying to move the fuck on from that, i’m not going to rehash that.

but there’s the, in detail, version of the first time i told someone else that little ILY phrase (damn, still uncomfortable even typing it, fuck).

Day 01 – Introduce yourself, in great detail
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 – A moment, in great detail
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 – This week, in great detail
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 – Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail<br style="outline-color: initial; outline-style: none; outline-width: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px !important; ” />
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail

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in other news, i saw jess quite a few times yesterday at the game, my seat was very close to the band.  didn’t trigger at all. thumbs up.

same with some comments people have made to me recently, stuff that a month or two ago would have sent me for the edge, didn’t really phase me for more than a minute or two.  feeling very happy about that.

i’m really really sick right now.  like really.  body aches, head cold, sore throat, coughing, sweats, chills, the whole 9 yards.  maybe i’ll download that, the whole 9 yards, good movie.  check that, it’s on netflix instant.

that’s about all the energy i have for right now.  i’m posting the same song as yesterday, because the lyrics hit home, just sorta listened to it for the first time a few days ago, and can’t stop thinking about it.

You took me from my bubble
Knowing my defense was weak
And you sat there and you listened
Any time I chose to speak
oh and you gathered from my pleas to
You that I am but a clown
And I fear only a hero can defeat
These demons now

And oh, how our glory may fade,
Babe, well, at least we’ve learned some
Tricks of trade