“comfortable”?

 how does one make it to ‘comfortable’?  

in the good way, not in the complacent way.  i’m trying to break myself of the habit of assuming something always has to be going on.  something has to be ‘up’, something has to be ‘worked on’.

it’s a habit/tick/whatever that i’ve had my whole life.  usually i get past it by either keeping people at arm’s distance or just making myself so damn busy that i don’t have time to think of any of it.  it kept me pretty alone through most of my growing-up times, and lead to my burnout on a lot of things, including journalism and theatre.  i’ve pretty successfully eliminated the ways I used to avoid the dealing, now i’ve just gotta figure out how to be ok in the moment.

i used to need to plan every minute.  for instance, if it was sunday, and i didn’t know when i’d see the girl again, i’d lose my noodle.  now i’m a little better at going with the flow.  some of that may have to do with having been through the ringer a few times, some of it may have to do with the differences between relationships, but i think (or at least i hope) that some of that is a build-up of self-confidence or trust in myself, that i’ve found myself in a situation, with a person, who i don’t worry will lose interest if i’m not there to be liek "hey, remember me??" for a span of 24 or 48 hours or whatever.

that transition from "hey, i want to see you every waking second" to "ok, gotta remember we’re all grownups that have real lives that can’t be set aside just cause i’m all smitten kitten" has never gone well for me.  that might be an understatement.  that’s generally the point where all hell breaks loose, both personally and in the relationship.  i may not notice it at the time, or realize that’s what caused the ohshitwtf moment, but looking back, that’s where it starts…  so to think i’m approaching that moment in this new relationship?  smidge scary, and rightfully so, i think.

whenever i’m single, and getting really down on myself, i start to think "what would i have done differently?"  or "where did I go wrong with that one?"  and unfortunately, the answer is usually that i wouldn’t have done much, if anything, differently.  a friend recently reminded me of the quote "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"…  i need to convince myself on occasion that quote doesn’t really apply to relationships.  i don’t know how to act other than how i act in relationships.  just because it’s not worked in the past doesn’t mean it necessarily needs to change, right?

i just really am having an amazing time, and feeling really positive about this, so when things are about to start changing in any way, it spooks me a bit.

anyway, i leave you with the lyrics and a song that i was reminded of today while chatting with her.  and it makes me happy. 🙂

She’s just a woman
not just a woman
She’s terrified and
she’s unafraid
She’ll change her mind
with the change of the seasons
She’s every reason
you’ll ever need

She’ll never say what you
should already know by now
Sometimes you’ll swear
she can read your mind
Sometimes she’ll seem as if
she’s broken down
Yeah but everything that’s perfect
took a little workin out yeah

She’s just a woman
not just a woman
She’ll break your heart and
she’ll make you strong
And she can take you
completely make you
so uncertain but
so better off

She’ll never say what you
should already know by now
Sometimes you’ll swear
she can read your mind
At times she’ll seem as if
she’s broken down
Yeah but everything was workin
why’d you have to let her down again
again

She’s just a woman
not just a woman
She’s terrified and
she’s unafraid
She is an icon
she keeps her brights on
She’ll break your heart yeah
but she’s got her ways

She’s just a woman
not just a woman
She’s complicated with
an easy smile
She is a genius
but she don’t see it
She is a dream in
your waking hour

<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; border-left-width: 1px; border-left-style: dotted; border-left-color: silver; padding-left: 5px; padding-top: 10px; padding-bottom: 10px; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; “>She’ll never say what you
should already know by now
Sometimes you’ll swear
she can read your mind
At times she’ll seem as if
she’s broken down
Yeah but everything that’s perfect
gets a little worn, little worn down
little worn down yeah
little worn down
a little worn down