back from the weekend

spent the weekend in chicago with the girlfriend.

had a great time, met up with several friends, met up with some of her friends, watched some wrestling, had a great, great time.

i found myself, in my head, comparing it to the last time i was out of town with a significant other.  every time i did it, this trip came out on top.  but every time that crept in, I started feeling really bad that i was even making that comparison.  i have no doubt that i’m in a much better place than i was previously, with a much better person, in a much healthier relationship, the whole 9 yards.  why do i feel so pitifully guilty every time that sort of a thought crosses my mind?

everyone uses past experiences to inform current situations.  if i got in a car accident driving a certain way, i’d be on the lookout for those types of driving situations pretty often.  what’s the problem with doing the same, but instead of a car crash, it’s a relationship crash?  the last trip out of town threw up some red flags i ignored, that turned out to be pretty big things, that put things in the shitter a few weeks later.  i want *so much* for this to work, that i, on occassion (less often than when we started things up, but still on a semi-regular basis), tend to over-analyze.  

i just really want to feel like i’m part of something this special all the time.  if I can do anything to make that happen, i want to do that.  i just dont wanna ruin the fun of it by trying too hard.  

ultimately, my question is, am i a horrible person for trying to use past experiences to inform current decisions?  is there a way to sort of make the past a faceless white-wash, instead of every time i notice something, saying "oh, that happened with person x" or "wow, that’s so much different than person y"?  that makes me feel like i’m trying to make a science of it, rather than being with the person in the way that’s worked so goddamn well thus far.  even if she says she understands when i do the compare/contrast think in my head, there’s always this fear that it’ll end up on some checklist…  ya know those fundraiser graphics that look like a thermometer, and the more (dollars/bottle caps/paper cranes) you collect, you fill in more of it with red until it’s exploding over the top?  i feel like my "brian sucks at relationships" tics are just going to keep adding up and eventually the thermometer’s gonna asplode.  that’s the image that’s in my head.  like "the first, second, third weirdnesses of the weekend were fine, but the fourth, that’s too much, fuck it, i’m done."

i know that’s not logical, but that’s about where i sit with things right now, trying to use my brain to make sure it’s right, trying to follow my heart and do what’s gotten me this far, and that third, crazy voice that’s telling me i’m completely inept, relationshippily.

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