1:10AM

 yeah, so it’s 1:10 in the morning, and i’m having my first major panic attack since coming off the meds. not anxiety, but the full on, phsical version, the panic attack.  it’s too late to take anything to help me sleep, as i have to be up in about 6 hours.  tried listening to music, playing some madden, neither of those helped.  i can’t pinpoint an exact thought, but the physical signs are definitely there.

my heart’s been racing for the better part of 20 minutes now, and i’m starting to worry how long it’s OK to let it go like this.  hearts (especially ones that aren’t in the greatest shape to begin with, i’m sure) aren’t meant to go full-bore for this long.

trying to do some research, and nothing’s coming up.  i’d take some ativan, but i dont have any left.  i have 3 in my desk at work, but that’s in my desk at work, and it would definitely NOT be safe for me to get in a car right now.  i’m trying really really hard to just ride this one out, but it’s been a while (obviously) since there was a full-pull ‘episode’ (ugh i hate the connotations drawn with that phrase.)

it’s taking me back to the way i felt when this started back up, that feeling of broken, of never good enough, of second-rate, something’s wrong with me, handicapped, unhealthy, unworthy, all that, it’s all coming back right now.  i need to try and keep telling myself it’s not true, but it’s hard to keep that mindset right now.  i wish there was some way for someone to tell me it’ll be ok and have me believe it, tell me that i’m worthy and have me believe it.  as is, i’m pretty sure if anyone told me that, my immediate reaction would be "oh, you’re just saying that cause you have to, cause you’re my friend"

how fucked up is that?  answer: quite.

it’s now 1:40.  i’m gonna make another run at trying to sleep.  see you back  here in an hour?

-b-