Update on My Life

Sorry it’s been a while since I last wrote in my OD.  But here I am… back at it again.  Here are some things going on or things I went through the last time I wrote in the diary.

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On September 29th, on my birthday, I started a job at Chili’s by my house.  It’s only temporary until my husband gets back on his feet with his work.

It’s going good so far.  I’m a little rusty since I haven’t been working since December of last year.  Due to the pandemic, it’s a different atmosphere than I’m use to (with lots of mandatory things like “mask-wearing”, social distancing between tables, and extra sanitation)….but  it’s all new for me because I was already self isolating before the pandemic.  LOL.  But yeah…there’s that.

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My mother has been very sick lately.  She was in the hospital for several weeks due to complications breathing, moving, etc.  It’s nothing related to COVID, but it is potentially serious.

She is currently home with the family.  She has a biopsy in November to see if she has COPD.  According to the severity of her condition, if the tests come back as positive, doctors are giving my Mom about 3-5 years to live.  I am praying against it.

I find this out after having a rough night at home.  But I have her in my prayers….and I have to have hope that she will be ok.  Trying to stay optimistic.

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A few nights ago, my husband hacked into my email and Facebook accounts to “joke around with me”…and he came across confidential conversation I had with a particular person I’m friends with (that he doesn’t like).  It’s nothing that I haven’t talked with my husband about (or at least tried to)….it was the fact that I shared our personal business with another person.

To be honest, and it’s unfortunate, that I am honestly a very private person.  There are only about 2 people that know my situation.  And it happened that way after I had a nervous breakdown and those 2 people found out about it.

Well, he was mad because he doesn’t want our business being shared and he doesn’t “trust this person,” due to some gossip that happened back in the day that my husband believes this person allegedly caused.

Well it caused a blow out and it all reminded me of this similar scenario when I was 14 with my abusive step-father, with the same person.  It was like having a real-life flashback and it was triggering. And I told this to my husband.

First, I never wanted my husband to see that conversation.  It was honestly the first time I told anyone, in the 11 years I’ve been married, my truth.  Something that I had held back for years.  I’m not able to see a therapist/psychiatrist, I don’t trust my family from either side…. and unfortunately, it just kinda slipped.

The person I told I don’t get the opportunity to talk to too often.  But I have known them for a very long time and have considered them a friend since 2002.  And as far as I have noticed, this person has kept our conversation pretty confidential … and I have verified this.

But anyway, my husband and I later talked it out.  He said he wants me to consider him as a best friend that I can go to for anything.  I’m trying. I want to.  *To add, I don’t trust him emotionally or mentally.  I have to be honest.

(FYI, I definitely changed my password to all my accounts. )

Since the incident,  I had a huge panic attack and last night I had a night terror where I was screaming like I was being attacked, so I was told.  Not to say that it’s been constantly high tension, but yeah…

So far, everything is going ok after that incident.  There hasn’t been any fighting or anything like that.  So for now, it’s ok.

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Anyway, that’s it for now.  Thanks, OD, for allowing myself to voice myself they way I can’t on other platforms or in reality.