Trying: Just My Deep Thoughts For Today

I’m trying to be more social and reach out to people.  Some days it’s really hard.

For over 12 years, I have pushed people away for various reasons.  One reason is that I have a hard time trusting people…but I’m getting better.  Another reason is I’m afraid to get close to people just to lose them again.  Whether if I’m afraid that I’ll be over bearing or fear that my husband will be the one to push them away.

I remember how my step father would push away the friends I made (or even boyfriends) because he was jealous or that they may expose him for being abusive.  Being married to my husband, I recognize those same patterns in regards to who I can and can not be friends with.  It may not be for the same reasons as my former step fathers…but feeling isolated is the same.  I don’t know…maybe it’s just me.

I can’t tell you the number of times someone has invited me to hang out with them because they thought I was a “cool person”…but I passed on the offer due to fear.

To be honest and fair, it’s a little hard to go and hang out with people when you have 4 kids.  I love my kids, though, so it’s ok and I’m very blessed to have them and for them to call me Mom.  Truly 💝…

Still, it would just be nice to find like-minded people that will be understanding, supportive, and be loyal despite everything, you know?

Maybe one day I can find something like that.  I would be even more blessed and feel like I’ve regained what I’ve lost in the past.