#TOTW68

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK:  “What was my most painful experience and what did I learn from it?”

Gosh.  I can tell you that I’ve endured so much over my life.  I can’t just pin-point one. I guess I can just list it off each painful experience I went through, along with their lessons.

 

1. The obvious one, from anyone that has read my diary posts, I was a victim of sexual, physical, mental, and emotional child abuse from the age of 7 until I was 16 years old.  I was abused by my former step father.  What was painful was that I desperately wanted a father when I was a small child.

I wanted to be that lucky girl that grew up with a loving father figure that would protect and guide me.  The father that would chase the scary monsters out from under my bed … or comfort me when I scraped my kneel after falling off my bike.  Things of that sort.  That didn’t happen.

In the beginning, I thought I found that in my step father, when he came into my mother’s life at the time.  He ended up being a predator.  One of the worst, even.  Not only did he abuse me, but he was gaslighting and convincing me that somehow I seduced him.  The mentality that I was maybe a seductress made an impact on certain decisions I made as a teenager.

As a result of my abuse, I did sexual things with boys I got in relationships with … just because I thought they would be impressed by me or care about me if I did.  I was taught that way…

I guess the lesson I learned from all of that is that after I came out of that … I was a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for.  That I didn’t need to give sexual gratification to find love and acceptance.

And most of all … that I would overcome it all.

 

2.  Being neglected by someone I thought was my best friend.   This was my most heart wrenching time in my life.  I won’t name names … but there was a person (who was connected to Open Diary for a season) that I seriously thought was one of my closest friends.  I was heart broken.  This person also helped to spread gossip about me when we were in college together.

Now, since then, this person has apologized … so it is what it is.  It did, however, cause major trust issues that I would struggle with ever since.  I have an even harder time making or building friendships now since that incident …

I’m not going to lie … sometimes I look back and I ask myself, “What did I do wrong?” Or I even ask myself if this person even valued our friendship to begin with.

I guess the lesson that I have learned (and still learning) is having forgiveness despite everything.  That’s all you can do.

 

3.  Gossip that happened when I was in a small bible college in Ohio.  I went through a terrible situation the night before (which in all honestly, I could have gotten over or at least talk to someone about) … but then I got to my college campus the next morning and EVERYONE knew my personal business, on top of misguided information that was a stretch from what really happened.   Like I said, small school.

Had students that I’ve never met before that wanted to come over to my apartment and “pray over me” and “deliver me” from the situation that was keeping me bound.  It made me feel violated, isolated, and created me to be the private person I somewhat am today.

Once again, the lesson I had to learn was forgiveness.  Also, that I should have applied for a larger school.  Lol.

Well … I guess those are the top ones.  I try not to get involved in much stuff anymore.  My family makes living worthwhile and they makes me very happy.  They were my greatest healing.

Anyway … hope everyone is having a wonderful night/day (where ever you may be).  Also, thanks for all the loving support on my return to OD!!  I’m glad I get to see how there is still a community here.  😊

Take care and God bless you all!

 

Much Love Always,

Amber.