Things that I struggle with…

These are the things I’ve been struggling with for years.  It’s just something that I want to recognize for myself so I know how to deal with it or maybe get help for it in the future.

1. Body Dysmorphia:  this is something I struggled with since I was a kid.  It started when I was being abused by my step father…especially more during and after puberty.  One of the areas of my body that I don’t like are my breasts. One time, I took a blade and started cutting all over them so my step father could think they were ugly (it didn’t work…he acted like I was doing some form of S&M or whatever ).  Sometimes, even today, I just want to cut them off…especially when (apparently) they were causing too much attention in college when a woman on staff there told me my breasts were too big.  When I gained weight, I gained a lot of my weight in my breasts…which made my dysmorphia worse.  I’ve lost a lot of weight now because I am trying to be healthy…and my breasts have gone down a lot (which is good)…but I still don’t feel comfortable with them.
2. I Don’t Trust People:  I’m trying very hard to trust people and even reaching out in some way.  But I still have a hard time opening up to people.  Even those who make me feel “safe,” I question their intentions and if it’s a front or a facade.  The last time certain individuals made me feel safe, I was let down or extremely hurt in some way (like what my step father did to me).  Also, when I tried to open up to my in-laws about my frustrations with my marriage and how I felt, I felt like they were being dismissive and they even tried saying, “well don’t you think you’ve made mistakes, too?”  Never said that I didn’t.  But if I’m not allowed to see a  therapist or psychiatrist, who else am I suppose to talk to?  But they definitely made me feel like I was just this hardened, rebellious wife…
3. My Faith: All I wanted was to be closer to Jesus.  I was a fervent worshipper, I prayed all the time…and I loved being in church.  However, after being in situations that has left me feeling very traumatized…I’m scared to go to church.  Everything from the gossip about me, being sexualized, etc.  I also remember telling my current husband (while we were dating) that I didn’t want to be a “Delilah” in his life.  Looking back now, it’s a very toxic way of thinking…and most times, I felt like maybe I was a “Delilah” to him…and most of his yelling was because of me. If I became single again…I’m terrified of someone telling me,  “I was in prayer and God told me you were suppose to be my wife.”  – and when I say terrified…it scares me to death!  I still love Jesus with all my heart…but other Christians scare me.
4. Other People Scare Me, Too:  I had a former coworker who recently hit my DM’s talking about how when we were working together, he wanted to take me somewhere and “throw my back out”…this guy helped me set up my kid’s bunk bed!  Told him that I was married and I didn’t think that was appropriate.  He kept going.  This is just one example…but the world itself is no better.  With everything going on in the world and the experiences I’ve faced…I just feel like I want to set everything on fire.
5. I Don’t Like Sex:  If you haven’t figured out by now…I struggle a lot with this.  Due to the trauma I went through, it’s a real issue.  Does sex feel good? Yes, of course it does.  But I have yet to have sex that I didn’t feel uncomfortable either before or while doing it.  My husband has gotten mad at me when he comes to me wanting sex and I tell him I can’t at the moment.  I wish he understood…but I know it’s hard for him to.  Then there are times when he wants to have sex…and I just do it even though I am triggered to death. I’ll settle to being triggered than for him to be upset with me or tell me that he did something to trigger my thoughts…which I find to be worse, at times.
6. Isolation:  I have been in a place of Isolation for 12 years.  I stay in my home because it’s safer.  I don’t go out with people because, again, I don’t trust people. I want friends that I can confide in…but it’s really hard to reach out to people.  When I do reach out (if at all) I feel really stupid.  Then…the other part of feeling isolated is that I haven’t seen my side of the family in YEARS.  I haven’t seen my mom, brother, or grandmother since 2017, my sister since 2011, and the rest of my family since 2008-2009.  I’ve missed several funerals from family members I grew up with.  I missed my grandfathers and I’m afraid that when my grandmother passes away (which she has been having health problems, recently) I’m not going to be able to spend my last moments with her…or be able to attend her funeral!  I feel stuck.

Once I recognize other issues, I’ll get help for it.  For now, this is what I am recognizing…and whatever information I can find to help myself, I’ll apply it to my life.