Things Are A Little Better…For Now

Thank you to everyone who voiced their concerns, gave advice, reached out, etc.  It has helped me a lot.

I am still getting counseling, which is good.  I also gave my husband an ultimatum on him either controlling his anger, or I leave. … and so far, it seems like he is taken it seriously.  So far…

For now, I am still with him… but I am less tolerate.  I am also on the edge of my seat to the whole situation.

To be honest, I have to be on edge.  As I was learning from my counselor, this could be ok for now.  This could be in between the “Honeymoon” and “Calm” phase.  It could be calm and loving for a moment… and then go back to the “tension” and verbal abuse the next minute.

For now, I am with him.  He has agreed to do counseling with me… but I am kinda teeter-tottering it at the moment. I don’t fully trust him.

I know NOW that I have to start “preparing” myself for the worst.  No one is going to save me or my kids when something goes wrong. I have to be able to be the one to do it.

…..

Going back a few days ago…

The other day, I might add (I am venting now..), I tried talking to my in-laws about everything…in hopes that maybe, since my husband wasn’t listening at the time, that they could have a heart-to-heart with him.  Instead, when I was trying to tell them what I was dealing with…it turned into them cutting me off, telling me their experiences, their frustrations with my husband…and at the SAME TIME telling me how it wouldn’t be right if I did divorce or leave my husband.  They were trying to tell me how my husband really does love me and that he is protective over me, etc.  They accused me of “putting up a wall”, but I told them that it wasn’t a wall because I’m too weary to have one up.  I told them my “wall” was me being fed up with the conditions in my husband and not being listened to.  I said I wanted my husband to either allow me to seek help for our family…or I would have to leave.  🤷‍♀️ No in-between!

Anyway…not only were they telling me that, they also tried to tell me that while my husband may be doing all these things to the kids and I…I was also in the wrong for things I have done in the past. 🤨…

…When talking to my in-laws, I told them  I had my own flaws or things that I need emotional help with.  What was the point of adding that in the conversation when that was the first statement I made in our conversation?

My mother in law tried to telling me, after cutting me off when I was trying to say I was having suicidal thoughts (didn’t get to really finish telling her everything)… that when she had a mental breakdown and was saying she wanted to kill herself, she was only saying it because she wanted people to feel sorry for her.

I’ll be honest, I was getting frustrated.  I truly don’t have anyone I could talk to …and when I finally confided in someone (my in laws), it was pointless.  I felt like my in laws were trying to control the conversation and (whether they meant to or not) were trying to manipulate me into saying by first AGREEING with me …then convincing me that divorcing is wrong.  That’s just my perspective.

Since that was a FAIL, I decided that since my in-laws weren’t going to be of any help, I had to confront my husband myself….which it had to take a LOT of strength because I was scared to death.

It started as expected when I told my husband that I wanted to talk to him.  I told him what I wanted to happen and that if it didn’t happen, the marriage was over.  He wasn’t listening at first…kept telling how we could just “talk it out” and we didn’t need to see a counselor.  It ended up becoming a HUGE argument until finally I told them that if he felt THAT STRONGLY…he could get out!  Because I didn’t deal with him anymore.  I don’t know…I feel like another person took over.

So…like I said, he decided he would change and that we both get the help.  He told me that if he goes backwards that he would leave.

But like I said, I am on edge.  It’s been peaceful the last couple of days… but it could be just to keep me from leaving.   We will see… I’ll just have to be ready for whatever happens.