Maybe Something Is Wrong With Me

Today was not a good day.  I’ve been crying all day.

It started out ok until one situation that happened.

Well, I came across a video of a girl who was wearing tight jeans (and was seeking attention) was walking around with a phone in her pocket while others were staring at her backside.

Obviously, she was expecting that kind of attention…but stupid me decided to make a comment about it.

All I said was unlike this girl, I get the same kind of looks in regards to my chest, but unlike her, I don’t want the attention…but still get it when I’m dressed conservatively or in church attire…and of course I mentioned why (because I’m busty…and even more so when I gained weight *though I’m losing the weight and have lost some weight in my chest, THANK GOODNESS*).  All I was saying, ultimately, is even though she was looking for that attention, for some women it would be disrespectful to gawk at a woman that way just because she has a “special looking body part”.

And of course it got blown out of proportion, people attacking me because I thought being respectful was more important than someone who can’t control what he or she stares at for long periods of time.  And of course, some guy comes up and starts talking about how he has friends with bigger boobs than me…and starts name calling and cussing me out…then preceded to tell me that if people were looking at me inappropriately, it’s because I was dressed a certain way and showing off my tits (and I don’t…if I did, I would be ashamed)…and according to him, if my tits are exposed, he has every right to gawk and stare at them and I deserve it.

Of course, I had to log out because it became too triggering.  All I did was state my opinion and it turned into me getting triggered and me saying something to upset people.  Someone accused me of being insecure with my body…is it insecure to want to be respected??  I even said that I wasn’t speaking for the girl, I was speaking for myself and that I think for some girls, it makes them uncomfortable receiving those remarks.

I don’t know…I guess I shouldnt have said anything…but I do notice that this is a problem for me.

To be honest, because I was sexualized working in restaurants, in churches, etc…its made a profound impact on my life.  I’m afraid to wear a dress or a nice blouse; afraid that it’s going to lay over my body in such a way that attracts too much attention to my body.  I wear a lot of baggy t-shirts and jeans/sweats mostly….anything that will hide my body.  I don’t like taking pictures of myself anymore…

…and me initiating that conversation just triggered me more.

Anyway, I’ve been having flash backs, crying, and beating myself up all day because of a stupid post I came across…

Well…thats my post.  It seems like I’ve been having it rough again (since I’m posting in this diary again).  If anyone can just keep me in their thoughts and prayers. ..it would mean a lot.

Thanks again…