I Have A Secret …

This is something I definitely don’t feel comfortable sharing on Facebook …

Due to the fact that I am always “triggered” by certain actions that remind me of certain things from my past … I don’t sleep in the same bed as my husband.  Yeah … it’s pretty bad.

I am thankful that my husband has started to understand to an extent (though I know it’s not easy for him as it is for me) … lately, sleeping next to my husband has triggered major flash backs … going back to the entire month I was being raped in 2003 (while living in Delaware) after my step father had my mother committed to a mental hospital.

Honestly, I need to talk to someone about this.  I really do.  I don’t know how I have arrived to this point.  For me to have sex with my husband, I need to give myself a pep talk.  Being spontaneous is not an option.  No.   If we are being romantic with one another and it gradually gets that that point of intimacy … then yeah, sure (because my mindset is in a different place) …

But if my husband comes up to me and says, “Hun, I kinda want you …” or even “I am in the mood” … automatic trigger for me!

I tried to sleep in the bed with him the other night.  That was the night I had my nightmares. Nightmares stopped when I was alone on my couch.  Typing this all out … it just makes me realize how sad this all is.  I do want those moments of intimacy … but it’s a challenge for me.

Well … thank you, OD, for hearing my struggle.  Honestly, it’s like a small weight that has lifted off of me … so again thank you.  God bless and good night. 🌙

Much Love Always,

Amber.