3/2/2020

Have you ever sat and talked to someone … just to “clear the air” as they put it … and you feel like they purposely leave out details or avoid subjects that still need to be addressed??

That’s how I feel.  I think this person thinks I’m a fool.  That I’m stupid.

What’s funny … I have very conflicting emotions about this person.  On one hand, I respect this person.  On the other … I have deep wounds and unanswered questions.  Sure, their behavior was addressed.  But I didn’t get answers to why they talked down to me and shut me down over the phone all those years ago.

And what’s funny … while clearing the air, they do the same things.  When this person was clearing the air, they made sure not to do it in front of other people. Hmm …

Why am I a secret?!  I don’t mean anything.  Why are you ashamed of me?  Why?!  Why tell me you feel like we are connected after all these years, but you’re afraid to admit that we had any kind of connection??

Well … this is what I’m dealing with.  After all these years, I still face rejection.  You think since I am in my 30’s, I would have some profound answer to my dilemma and move forward.  I don’t.

Stop BS-ing me! Just keep it real.  If deep down you are ashamed of me, just say so.  Then I can maybe cry it out … then move on with my life.  If we are friends, awesome!  If not, awesome too.

Stop manipulating me and using me for YOUR benefit.  Thanks.

———-

Just something I wish I can say, but I can’t.  These words had to go somewhere.

Sometimes, I don’t want to “pretend” that I have it altogether.  I don’t want to “pretend” that I’ve emotionally matured to some extent.  I just want to let this out, scream this out … and maybe heal from the rejection I felt long ago.

Hopefully these words can die in the trenches of this diary sooner or later and I can move on.  I need better friendships.