October 31st

I guess it’s still the 30th for me since i’ve been waking up at 4 pm every day and sleeping at 10 am, but since it’s midnight it’s now the 31st. So today is halloween.

This is the first year maybe that i’m doing absolutely nothing on it. I had plans both to go to a party and to go to the club on halloween, but i cancelled. I’ve been sick all week and my depression has been so bad the last few weeks, i just can’t get the strength to go out. anyways, my mind feels all hazy and fuzzy again.

Maybe I can do something in honour of Samhain, i’ve been neglecting my spiritual path for awhile now and it’s been making me feel worse. naybe i’ll go to the liquor store and make some mulled wine, do a little ritual, and watch some horror movies with pumpkin pie with my grandparents. that’s my comfort idea to the thought of being alone. i should be spending more time with them anyways. i’ve never had a halloween without a significant other or friends to spend it with, and while i actually chose that this year and feel just fine with it, my pride is also hurting at the idea of being alone. since i was so alone until about 16, i have a bit of a complex and fear of being alone. i thrive the best spending time by myself, but it makes me feel pathetic, like a lonely little loser.

i’m typing this as i wait for my delivery of yakisoba and gyoza. i woke up a few hours ago, guess i’m fully nocturnal now. every day i’ve been trying again. i lose my days to rot as my depression consumes me lately, and i get nothing done and end up just feeling horible and disgusted with myself. but tonight i’m trying again. i went on a run, took a shower, made tea, and now i’m going to listen to a philosophy podcast. try and get the strength and energy to get some work. honestly even listening to a luxurious podcast is work these days. i couldn’t do much ese yesterday but i’m glad i cleaned. today is a new day to try again. and even if i only make little advancements, i’ll keep having new days to try again until i climb out of these steep spiral, maybe. i only hope i’m not too old by the time that happens. i feel like i’ve already lost my entire childhood and teenage years to trauma, and now mental health is taking away all of my 20’s. i know life goes on and it’s not a race, but it makes me bitter.

i’ve calmed down from my overthinking of suddenly uprooting my whole life yesterday. i remember i need to heal myself to a place of stability before pursuing everything and this is the perfect place to do that.

i miss my friends yet i’ve had such a hard time texting any of them back.

some brief news:

i finished avatar, the last airbender for the first time since i was a child. i’m probably going to use it as something to play in the background while i fall asleep at night because the show is such a comfort to me. i’m really depressed about having finished it. whenever i get attached to a series that ends i feel a void in my life. i’m trying to watercololour iroh as a way to find comfort and also as a trick to listen to my school lectures as i play it in the background, but i’ve never really drawn men before so it’s frustrating me. but i love iroh. he reminds me of when my grandfather was younger, when i was a child. he’s so sweet and wise and such a *good* soul. something about that show just comforts my soul for some reason. it also has fnnily enough re insired me to do my mediatation and chakra healing again. i want to heal, i want to be good, and kind. i want to be peace in the world again and a warm light, not bitter. and aang has reminded me of that, not that i would tell anyone this though. i think my hyperfixations and why of over analyzing deep meanings in everything off puts others and is kind of embarrassing to be honest.

i have yet to quite nicotine as it’s honestly been helping me with my cough and sore throat.

i feel like my mind is everywhere right now with a million little mundane things. my mind is noisy. i’m sorry to myself that these aren’t the poetic entries and reflections i usually write on paper. i think i just need to get this buzzing out of my head first before i can reflect on my world.