October 30th

after not seeing him since i was around 8-10, my father messaged me today on instagram saying that if i wasn’t sure what i wanted to do with my life, he would always be willing to teach me tattooing in his tattoo shop.

this has stirred my emotions all day. it doesn’t have that much to do with my father honestly. more at the opportunity. i wondered if that actually would really be something i’d like to do. Ever since I broke up with T in the summer, i realised that i lost my sense of purpose or any idea of what i really want to pursue. i know i live for the arts and to create it, but i lacked anything else, since my whole life meaning and purpose was resting on this person i’m no longer with.

the thing is i’m also on a very steep depressive bender. after my year off school and reduced course loads i feel so far behind in my degree. also having to stay at my grandparents since this summer has me feeling awful. i’ve lived by myself since i was 16. i’m 21 now and ifeel so far behind where i should be in life. and no matter how hard i try, i can barely seem to make myself get through these courses i’m taking. even though i love my degree. even though history is my love, and philosophy. i want to go on my archaeology excavation with my prof in florence. i want to graduate so i can maybe get my teaching degree and travel and teach, or maybe do museum curation work, or write some academic papers, maybe do artifact preservation, maybe become a highschool history teacher. maybe some combination. I don’t know, but I have dreams. I have  a vague dream in my mind of having a little loft or studio apartment all to myself, where i have the time and space to work on my art and other various projects that make me happy, and my little rabbit theo can have another bunny friend, too. and at night i can invite my friends or the men i hook up with over and i’ll have my own space and some winr i can be comfy with. i also have a faint dream of having a little shop of some sort, ha… but i need a solid flow of income, and i’d need to finish my degree. the thing is, i *want* to finish my degree simply because i love it. i love history, and i want to learn it so i can make my own studies in it, too. even if i don’t get paid and it’s for fun.

for some reason lately though, i’ve had such a painful time getting myself through these courses. so i’m thinking if i move back to quebec, maybe i can get a solid income flow for a few years and return to my degree as a mature student where i can pursue it with all my interest again. though if i do that, i feel like i’ll be older than i’d like to be by the time i finish my degree. my undergrad and teacher’s college are another five, maybe even 6, years at this rate.

The thing is I feel like this would be such a good opportunity for me, but i have this fer or vision of me in this little town in quebec cold, lonely, and feeling empty for some reason. i couldn’t logicalize it.

I’ve lived in this city in ontario for 4 years now. before that i went to all of hoghschool in ottawa, and before that i grew up in montreal. i’ve even lived in kingston for a year. but i’ve finally made substantial friends and loved ones here in this city, and i’m scared to leave them if i’m being honest. I’ve never been on one place for so long, I just want solid rooted friends that are going to be in my life all through out it, you know? I don’t want to just uproot again unless it’s somewhere I know I maybe want to have future roots in. I just don’t really have family, have moved around and.. i don’t want to be alone anymore. or i crave people in my life that are more than just temporary, or friends for a few years while in live in x town.

I also just generally don’t know what I want with my future. and i’m scatred im entertaining moving there because i think i’ll find something i need to fill the emptiness i feel, but i’m not sure if it exists and i’m going to find it there.

but i’m in such a depressive slump here. i need to do something substantial. i feel like a failure wallowing here right now. but my grandparents are here and both their kids, my mother and uncle, wont talk to them so if i left they’d be here all alone. and they moved here to be ner me and my uncle, so they don;t have froends in this city like they do in montreal. they’d be alone in this city and they’re getting older and i don’t want to think of not spending time with them these years.

but maybe beised a fresh slate quebec really will have something for me that i need.

i don’t know, but i just want to not feel empty or cold or alone. i want love and warmth in my life. some mening, and something that i love and want to do.