November 1st

me to the realisation today that thoughts and ideas do consume everything. i spent so much time stressing and meditating over creating a blank slate in my mind, over seeing the world in the most objectively true way that it is absent of social constructs and influence. i’ve finally realised that it’s inescapable. ideas, habits and attachments are permanent parts of our being. all you can do is replace them with better ones. you can’t be free from this neurological chain. it’s what tethers us to earth, it’s the way our brains are hardwired. the key isn’t to rid yourself completely of them, but to recognise them as they simply are: just thoughts, illusory, simply ideas. and to recognise the power you have in changing them and to recognise that they’re nothing but perception. meditating to return and see through them all is about sitting and recognising that you are a vessel. thoughts and sensations are just things that occupy the space of that vessel. your mind is a sky and to ground yourself you have to objectively notice the form of thoughts themselves as they are. not try to eradicate them.

it’s also okay that things only exist in this vessel of your mind as they appear. except in a half intangible way, you can’t hold on to sounds longer than they are there. though the world is wide, whatever you lay your eyes on consumes all of your existence for that moment, and that’s okay. we are vessels for these fleeting experiences. the beauty is in how fleeting they are, how you can not truly grasp anything in the universe. to fully grasp it would be to be it. our gift here on earth is the ability to percieve and witness them in their fleeting beauty. enjoy it. you don;t have to grasp and retain every little thing at once. im alive and witnessing it and that’s the gift, that’s enough.

fuck it’s already 4 am as i type this. why am i like this.

that being said, i k ow i obsessed about it before but i really do need to meditate more. i am stuck in that deep fog again and i do need to meditate on clear life and be present, even if i don’t need to be so obsessive about it.

i need to remember to savour the current moment. lest i constantly ignore the current birdsongs worrying about the rainfall threatening the next day. look back to that poem.

it’s a monday and the first of a month and the first day after samhain, the day to reflect on whatdies/ what you need to leave behind. it’s the start of the new year. new cycle.

i said i was going to start new again today but i’m feeling the familiar haze and hot heaviness in my head again. i just feel so blurred out. i don’t kniw why i have such a hard time getting myself up. i rot and i can’t do anything to stop it.

grandpa watched horror movies with me tonight. it was so sweet. i went out and got them the candy that they liked. Iris asked me to come over and make earrings with her. I already turned down going to a party and a club tonight for halloween.

im just feeling. so ugh.