November 16th- thoughts and feelings

The truth is, everyone wants to believe they’re in love but no on rarely *really* is. So to all those out there stuck between two minds about some crush, I almost don’t want to break it to you, because that innocence is something sweet and precious and beautiful too, but.. it’s not the same. If you have to wonder, if you have to question what you feel, then deep down you don’t really give a fuck. As for everyone who does get it, this is a club with deep silent understanding between us. If you know what it’s like to want someone so much you would, dare I say, as toxic and awful as it sounds, kill for them. (i would never say this out loud, but this is, of course, open diary, my unfiltered thoughts, as awful as they may be.) If you know what it’s like to feel someone so deep under your skin you would sacrifice everything to protect them- even if it screws up your own moral compass so you can’t see right from wrong- then we understand each other, and let me leave you with this: That’s what love is. Don’t let them tell you any different under the guise of being “healthy” because they don’t understand the same feeling. Maybe they once did, but it’s not the same when you’re not in it. don’t tell yourself otherwise.

I’m not saying love doesn’t exist outside of this. I’ve been in 2 long term relationships and one just under a month. I loved all three.. I truly want the best for them, and was fond of them. But I don’t think I was in love with anyone in my life so deeply and truly as X. It’s the kind of connection that comes once in a lifetime. I believe you can love many people, at once even, and that love never really dissapears, just moves on to be manifested and inhabit other bodies. but it’s a sort of detached love. Me and X. We understood each other’s souls as if they were our own. It’ s the kind of love that if you say you’ve had more than once in your life, you haven’t had at all.

Through all my anger, all my bad thoughts of him, bitterness, detaching, my truly believing parts ofhim to be almost.. evil, for a lack of better word, I have never stopped loving him. even during the times I said I did.

 

I started reading brothers Karamazov yesterday by Dostoevsky. Mostly due to the sheer anxiety I have at the thought of opening up my actual university courses- I’m sort of aavoiding. But demons by dostoevsky was his favourite book and he held brothers karamazov close too. I tell myself that I’m reading it not because of him at all. That my will is seperate, and it just happens to be what I want to read. but I can’t help but recognise all the prose and lines I know he would deeply appreciate, see how much of the satire deeply resembles his own and why he would have loved it. I can’t help but see him described almost perfectly, as much as a worl of fiction can be in their 2dness, in one of the brothers.

 

My feelings of him are so complicated now. I imagine what it would be like if he ran into me after this year and a half. he’d find me so different and so much more grown in ways I had always promised I would be but couldn’t be back then. I’m more mature, confident. I’ve refined my art. I’ve read all the books I had meant to read. and i’ve gotten a grip on my emotions. and in that short time, i can say i’m not a child anymore.

I needed to leave and be by myself for this growth to happen. I know it. but it’s frustrating as well, because it’s also the growth i needed to be in the reltionship. if only he had met me as I am now after the time alone and the growth and not those years ago, jumping from one relationship to the next to escape my problems and fear of being alone (though we were emant to be anyways, it was bad timing.)

 

I struggle to decide if he really was a manipulative demon or of he is sweet and innocent. i’m confused. Sometimes i think he took advantage of my young naiveness and it must have all been fake. He left his fiancee to be with me and often stated his emotions for her were shallow, and nothing like ours. it was a “may as well” situation. but then how do i know he wasn’t just faking it with me? I often think he was lying to himself about his emotions with her. he did love her and care, but he doesn’t realise it and it was easy to write it off. i’m not bitter about that. I wish he could face things more. he lies to himself quite often. He got together with his friend only two weeks after we broke up. so sometimes i think it was all fake and i was a victim to his fake manipulative charms i very well knew he had with others, as we spoke about it. i was a victim of the very joke we laughed at. but also, i think, he really was innocent, and really just loved being with others. i don’t think he was as bad or as manipulative as he made himself out to be. but he did have a puppy dog charm that made everyone love and feel warmly about him instantly. and he knew it.

This sounds conceited, but it’s the objective truth. I’m not denying any love between them, but i know for a fact it’s not the deep once ina lifetime connection we had. that frustrates me, but at the same time- i know she’s probably providing him with stability and safety i never could. at least at the time, i’m not sure about now. she’s a normal girl with a nice big family home and we were both neglected children with no parents and he had issues of grandeur delusion and i had bpd. i don’t know anything about her but she strikes me as very normal and stable, and shr probably doesn’t fight him on anything. and well, i think that’s something that’s probably very good for him. he’s ana academic and he’s happy as long as he’s writing his philosophy and doing studies in the neuroscience lab. he’s working on his MA now. I’m sure this is such a good environment for him to prosper him.

but also i love him, and i know nobody understands truly like i do, and so i can’t help but hate that it’s not me who’s supporting him. I wasn’t ble to at the time but the feeling remains.

 

I guess love is like a pretty red balloon. You want to hold it close and not let go but you also want to let it go to see it go floating up into the sky far above. I always let go of balloons as a kid to see it go- and then would cry myself sick after it was gone. I’ve always been like this.

 

This is honestly the first time that I’m admitting this, even partly to myself. that I do love and want him still. I’ve spent the year burying myself in ” i’m my own person, i don’t need him to be whole. there’s other love just as strong. and i wouldn’t ever be with him again if it was given to me on a golden platter.”

and i think there’s such a slim chance of ever being together again but I’m so embarrassed to admit that even to myself i have this tiny absurd hope. he’s always felt like some sort of fate or destiny to me. something supernatural. the situation around us getting together even was full of so many crazy coincidences. when we first met each other he seemed so, so so familiar, and we both just kind of giggled when we made eye contact, before even saying any words to each other. it was instant recognition and it was so surreal. we often said that even if it wasn’t actually good for us to be together, we would always be the love of each other’s lives. but then i’m best friends with his ex fiancee now and i know he probably said stuff like that to her, too. and he started seeing someone else so quickly, it all could have either been nonsense that i fell for in his manipulative ways, or something he even naively believed himself. he did admit to lying to his ex all the time about loving her.

i don’t know. he could either be a truly evil and calculating and manipulative person, or sweet and innocent and truly just taken in by romantics and sentiments. i don’t think he knows the answer to this himself. i think either way i love him. and sometimes i hold this as so special, and sometimes i say that this thinking is awful, toxic, unhealthy, romanticised, not reality. I’m confused.

we used to both paraphrase a poet, saying we were both monsters, alone and cruel in the world, but at least we had eachother.

and is this all even true or just some weird romantascised fever dream? i feel like i truly love olive too, but i don’t know, it feels os different. no one love is the same and not comparable. but i’m confused.

 

anyways, over the last few days i’ve finished reading the gift of everything and lana del rey’s new poetry book, violet bent backwards over the grass. i’ve decided to put myself out there again and start talking to some people on the dating scene but i get scared so easily, feeling like i’m ” not ready.”

 

anoother thing is i was surprised by how warmly and close by coworkers viewed me the other day. my one coworker, D, said he was having a birthday prty for S and “of course out of anyone you’re invited” and i was surprised. Him and another coworker went out of there way to say bye and hug me when they left. I posted on my spam insta something minor about starting ballet classes, and S commented “I’m so happy for you” with  a red heart. these things all seem so minor but i’m really sensitive to tone and it just surprised me i guess. ,eanwhile i’ve been too anxious/depressed to answer my other messages. Turquise messaged me saying we had to hang out and I’ve been trying to decide if she’s even a good enough friend to keep in my life honestly because spending time with her always feels so shallow and i think maybe she just needs someone in her life so she’s not alone, but maybe that’s not so awful. i feel guilty that i havem’t been answering her. An then there’s N. I’ve been avoiding her because I

‘ve always had slight feelings that confuse me. I like her a little, like romantically, but I don’t know if she’s someone who can interest me for that long, and i don’t know if i’m stable or responsible enough for someone like her. so i don’t know how i should proceed interacting. i’m also simultaneuosly too depressed to put much energy in my relationships lately but also only want to deepen them all.

I know S and orange also low key have feelings for me and it’s hard because I only want them as friends but also the tension is minorly fun adn i din’t want them to take it further and make the friendship awkward. but I also lowkey like the attention and don’t want them to not like me. but also maybe these feelings of “like” are really just the friendship feelings i’m supposed to have, and is why i’m not interested in friends too kften because o often feel like theymbore me, if not for the lack of deeper connection.

I don’t know. I tend to have romantic feelings very easily and don’t pursue friendships too much. i don’t understand the concept of stopping or capping a relationship anywhere, with limitations. like i care for you but only to “x” level. i either care for people or i don’t. i’v considered polyamory even, but i can aslo be incredibly jealous and i think having an intense relationship with a simgle person is something beautiful and something i’ve always wanted the most, so. i think it would be perfect to have a main partner but have an open relationship, as long as at the ened of the day we said we were each other’s number 1. i think that would be ideal.

 

anyways, relationships and things and feelings, i’m all trying to understand.

 

i;ve had a deep itch for something lately but there’s nothing i feel like i want.

 

and some days these random bous of anxiety come on and i’m scared to do anything. it’s so odd. i’ve never ad this before.