November 16th

Yesterday I decided to start ballet lessons or kickboxing again. I thought lessons would be too expensive, but really, after looking, if i just stopped spending money on takeout, it’s less money than i’m spending now. i could have done this years ago and i’m a little mad at myself. i would love to do vocal lessons again but- i think it’s doing something active that’s going to be really good for me, to get me moving out out of this depression bender. i’ve been holing up in my cave room like a hibernating bear, and the longer i do it for, the more going out gives me anxiety. and also my newly found nicotine habit has my vocal chords feeling sore. i know i should quit, but if it’s not one addiction it’s n=the next, and i need this right now. it’s not something i can afford to give up right now. i need a crutch and i know what this got me out of and i’m scared for what quitting it would get me into.

 

I’ve been reading “this one wild and precious life” which is about how we can all connect us back tothe source of the word and life and stop this dull lonely existence of consuming and mindless scrolling. i don’t completely agree with a lot of it but it is food for thought and the good things to implement in your life are more than i’ve been doing even if i want to scoff at how simple and obvious it is.

 

i went on a shoujo manga binge last week. i’ve been anxiously avoiding opening my school work because i don’t want to see it. this avoidancy problem has gotten out of hand. i read the book if not audibly listened while painting but i’m too anxious to open up the assignement folder for the review of the books. ugh.

 

but i found out i can most likely transfer my degree to the other university in town for visual arts which would be a world better for me. i don’t feel like explaining how it’s not a dead end option for me right now because of my future plans but. the application is like 400 though and i’m really really scared about even paying of my tuition for this semester so i hope. i hope.

 

i haven’t seen olive in 3 weeks. he hasn’t worked any shifts with me. i saw he got his only 2 covered last week. i hope he’s not leaving but just on a trip. every time i go to work i’m anxious and i hope i don’t work with him because it’s easier to not deal with the stress of it, but then when i’m relieved to find i don’t, i’m also dissapointed. it’s harder seeing him in my daily life but i’, also happy i just get to see him in my daily life because then i get to see him at all and just see that he’s doing well. i also feel so guilty for feeling this way. i’ve never spoken to her but his girlfriend seems so nice and i would never want to get in the way but also i regret turning him down back when we used to hook up because i was scared and prideful and i’m not confident if i truly wouldn’t take the chance again if it was in front of me as awful as it sounds. i feel like i’m honestly selfish and not a good person at the end of the day and it makes me feel guilty but i’d do it anyways. but there’s also a pride element, i’d have to allow my pride to get pretty low to accept being second or back up after his girlfriend. i can’t help but think they won’t be together forever. but i’m not confident i’d get the chance again even if they did break up. energy between me and olive has been very weird, up and down. sometimes we have days where we do stuff like make prolonged eye contact so affectionately that it makes me feel so guilty even if e’ve never crossed a negative line. but other days the tension of it all almost seems to make us.. butter towards each other?

i’m not sure if most people are this calculating and perhaps shallow, and just act “honorably” because it’s what’s socially acceptable, or if i’m just a bad person and others truly are good to their core. i can’t tell if others are doing “the right thing” solely for the name of it like me. either way i can’t help how i feel but maybe that’s just an excuse to ignore my guilt.

 

other days i think my kindness is what makes me as a person. i caught up with my old highschool best friend the other day. i told her about how i was caught in a 10 month bad relationship witha  guy who treated me so badly whom i thought i could “fix” and jokingly asked why i did that, why i stuck around and dragged myself through his awful behaviour. she answered saying ” because you are kind. and good.” when i jokingly said i didn’t think iwas at all she said “the way you beat yourself up over any slightly wrong or mean thing proves it more. you’re always somconcerned about others and possibly hurting others about things i wpuldn’t even think of being sorry for.” i’m not sure if she was right or not but it made me think.

 

it’s finally getting so cold out and it’s making me miserable. i need more clothes. i feel like i’ve soent so much money on them but i don’t know of i just don’t like my body image and hate myself in all of them or if i’m just making awful choices. i love fashion. bit it’s always weird shopping for myself. i loive vintage byt things akways just feel so different on my own self.

 

my mother is up to hr usual ays. she asked me if  would come to montreal to testify in her court casr for money and when i replied yes if i could get off work, she screamed at me saying i was ridiculously selfish for even thnking of not quitting my job if it was to come help her. she guilted me and tied telling me that if i needed money, she would “whore herself on the street for me.” she twists words in such a way that i don’t really know how to answer. she complains bout money and asks me for money, saying my little brother doesn’t even have a decent pair of shoes, but then she spends 6000 on a facelift and buys the most ridiculous things. furthermore, my stepfather got granted visitation on weekends again of the kids, and apaprently he has anew girlfriend with a house and a family. he signed his name off of my mother’s lease and she doen;t work (ptsd makes it impossible for her she says) so she has no way to afford rent an i have no idea what the fuck she’s going to do. i wouldnt care so much if it wasn’t my brother and sister. i wish so badly that i could take them instead but i have absolutely no means to. in front of the court my mother is going to look very mentally ill and unstable with no means of income while my stepfather will look like he has a family and has income. they’re both wful for my brother and sister. they’re both negelctful. my father strangled my sister and is a pedophile and predator. my mother has no financial means. they boith abused me and nobody would have taken care of the kids when they were younger if i didn’t parent them myself before i was forced out for safety. i feel so sick and anxious and helpless.

in other news, i feel like the most myself i have felt in years. i needed tme not being in a relationship to heal and reconnect. but i could never endure the anxiety nd pain of bing lonely long enough to be single. i finally feel like getting back out there but i’m also scared of maybe ruining this process.

 

either way i’vve beenr eading and making art again, and that’s a ,assive baby step. it took me years of feeling blocked and like i just coudn’t do it. my existetial ocd thoughts keep cropping up againsometimes, but i can ignore the anxiety of it better lately. though it’s hard to ignore.

 

i’m making art and reading again  ut the down side is i’m using it to anxiously ignore my other resposabilitues and it’s eating my time.

 

i met someone that i’ve started talking to and i like them becuse i think we’re similiar but i’m scared i’m not really attracted to them and that my standards are way too high. i’m also scared they’ll be dissapointed by me simultaneously if they spend more time with me.

 

i’ve managed to go out yesterday and the day before to get parcels at the post office. it was really good for me, to force myself outside. i’m trying to do it today but i’m so anxious for some reason and dreading ot woth the cold.

anyways, the goal for tonight os to somehow trick myself into opening up my school to do my assignement, going outside, maybe doing some cleaning ans answering froends. but these have been my goals for a few days now.

 

somehow i/m both too easy and to mean to myself at the same time. sigh.

 

i want to be good. i want to be happy, i want to be fulfilled in my relationships, i want to be kind, i want to be full of love for others. i want to be full of light. i’m trying.