new to OD

Hi there! there’s no language i could cut open wide enough to tell you my story- but here are the words that do come.  you know, i have this problem in person where i feel like there’s a barrier between me and everyone and i just can’t get close to them even if i want to and even if i spend a lot of time with them. i like that this is a collection of raw thoughts. i think it’s beautiful, and it allows me to see the beauty in all of you, too. nice to meet you <3 I’ve written a few entries but i see this is a community with lovely souls so i wanted to introduce myself. My name is Lily, and i’m 21. i grew up with a single very very young mother who was mentally ill and a substance abuser. i ended up being abused until i left home by myself at 16. trying to heal from all my trauma has derailed my life quite a bit in almost every aspect, and after ending a codependant relationship i was in for years, my mental health is very much on the mend. but journalling every day is my attempt to find my own self back again, and heal. I’m also trying to get back into writing and poetry again, another motive.

I’m now an ancient history student in university with a big passion for history, philosophy, literature and the arts. I’m spiritual but follow pagan traditions and am very strictly non religious after all the abuse me and my family endured under the church. I have a rabbit. I try to make art every day and notice pretty thigs in the world and journal my observances. I’m trying to start fresh each day.

i’m a pisces sun, leo moon, and libra rising. i love reading tarot cards and i’ve been raised in the occult. nature is very important to me. i have borderline personality disorder. i play the guitar, write poetry, try to keep plants alive, paint, am a barista, and throw myself in my historical studies and ancient languages out of love. at least i try to. these days my depression has been hitting hard and it’s been difficult to even make my bed, let alone get out of it.

i would describe myself as a hopeless romantic. i’m very sentimental. somewhat moody. if i was openly being a but narcissistic i’d say i was soft but elegant. i like everything that is pretty. i’m a little bubbly and very, very absent minded- my mind is always elsewhere. i wish i wasn’t such a raw thing- i wish i wasn’t so sensitive. i wish i didn’t feel so melancholic and i wish i didn’t hurt about things that happened years ago.

I have a half brother and a sister who are only 7 and 8. i’ve lived in multiple major cities. i don’t know. whenever i try to sit down and describe myself it seems the hardest. These all seem like shallow metres for describing who i am, but it;s all i can grasp.

anyways, my entries may often have typos because i type so fast, hahaha. but, i’m happy to meet everyone. even if i don’t comment on entries i’ve been reading a lot of yours. you know, i have this problem in person where i feel like there’s a barrier between me and everyone and i just can’t get close to them even if i want to and even if i spend a lot of time with them. i like that this is a collection of raw thoughts. i think it’s beautiful, and it allows me to see the beauty in all of you, too. nice to meet you <3