Dream i.

i’m going to keep a diary of my dreams for many reasons- I’ve always had very vivid dreams with repeated themes and symbolism, and I want to try lucid dreaming. I’m hoping this way I can track my dreams more and also improve my dream recall.

last sleep my dreams were long and heavy. it took place in some alternate city or world similar to this one. i was in a little warm pink house with my mother, we were huddled together by the front, my (ex? stepfather) came in and said he was leaving for the last time. he pointed out something g about me clearly never caring about him or wanting him as a father.

i screamed and screamed and screamed about how I tried. i wouldn’t have gone biking with him or asked him about his bike projects or tried drawing in the living room while he was there if I hdn’t cared or tried. i said I never called him father because he never made me feel comfortable enough too. and anyways I was just a kid and didn’t know how to do these things and he was the adult. (I was younger in this dream, and it’s important to note these aren’t my feelings about this man at all, but they were part of my emotions when I was younger.) I felt and viewed him with the same sickness and disgust as I do now and I mildly felt back then.

strangely he took me outside and seemed pleased and said “if that’s true, klet me take you to the milkshake place I wanted to on your birthday 5 months ago.” I was kind if creeped out by his behaviour but played along because I didn’t want to upset him. but I wasn’t into it.

we went through these trees and then downstairs in an alley to this very pink and (fun? party?) looking place where he continued to dole affection on me and treat me like a very very little child. i got some donut milkshake and then was stressed because I was late and missing work to be here (seemed to go back to my present age) but nobody from work called me.

eventually I left and he faded out and I was outside in this very green city with vines everywhere on old destructed abandoned buildings. there were elevtors for sidewalks.

for some reason I saw all these cute cartoon animals jump out from behind us and jump into the yard of my house, resuming “jobs” like stirring the leaf soup. there was a pastel blue bear that did that. i stayed on the elevator that kept going past my house.

i run into a girl I knew in highschool on the outside elevator and she looks amazing and I say I’m self conscious because I’m just in my work clothes. she smiles at me so warmly with her makeupped face and I’m surprised and comforted. we don’t really talk but it was okay and natural. w were definitely vibing together at this point.

i follow her off the elevator into a stircase that goes underground. it’s a cozy hangout spot and music studio. we sit crisis cross in  a circle with a guy our age. she passes me the guitar and asks if I want to play. I’m anxious that I’m not good enough but I don’t want to back down or look like I can’t play/ I was lying about playins so I say okay. decide to playa song I know safely. but it needs a capo on the 5th fret. i try to out the capo on but the strings on the neck are highly raised. “sorry,” the guy says, “it’s a custom guitar, don’t think the capo will fit. you can play it with alternate notes though to get the same pitch. let me pull them up on my laptop.” I resign and say it’s fine and maybe next time and had him the guitar. we seem to start writing a song then and there but I kind of fade out from the convo and leave.

i fade out into another dream- a sensual dream with my friend who’s emotions I’ve been confused about since I met her. we’re standing in our old apartment we shared, in my room, the lights dimmed, I’m standing behind her with my hands up her shirt, telling her if she doesn’t tell me to stop I don’t have self control. and then the dream ends as I wake up slowly from here.

i had earlier dreams than this but i don’t remember them anymore. fnnily enough i woke up to a text message from her this morning of a screenshot of how astrological compatible we are, and i haven’t really spoke to her in awhile except for when i visited her in her city about an hour away last month.

my dreams seemed to deal with more realistic and tangible things actually on my mind this sleep.