Where to go from here…

I honestly don’t even know where to start this entry. Three months ago, I was utterly convinced life was wonderful and JP and I were going to get married soon. I was on such an emotional high with us and ready to start our lives for good. Now, I’m back into the lows. There are aspects of him and our relationship that absolutely make me sick when I think about deaing with them forever. He still lies to me, doesn’t care when I cry, and only shows attention when he feels threatened. Its history repeating itself, over and over. I’m digging myself deeper into a big hole and dying slowly on the inside.

In May when my Grandma was in the hospital, I met Phil in Milwaukee. JP just wasn’t understanding my upset. Phil took me in his arms and hugged me close, and told me after everything he still loved me. I’m not exactly sure what happened, or even really remember why we stopped talking yet again. Months went by w/ no contact. I text him on June 28, what would have been our three year anniversary if we had stuck it out. I think I said something like "Happy crazy 3 years." I don’t even remember if he text me back, but I know that’s was the last time we talked. I lost all my phone numbers after awhile when my phone crashed, but I remember resisting the urge to text him every so often. I tried a month ago. His phone number rang through to a woman who barely spoke English, and a Facebook message went unanswered. Short of driving out to his house and hoping to see him, I don’t really have any options. My heart tells me I shouldn’t even be seeking him until I’m away from JP. I’m sure he has somebody else by now and I know a part of me is happy for him. But a part of me will always love him and absolutely treasure the days we spent together.

It sounds so odd, but it is actually another man who has made me realize what Phil and I had. The other guy, shall we call him T, and I have been talking for a month or two. It started out as friends, and then he confessed feelings to me. I was lonely and in the end, after a long time of resisting it, finally gave in. I always wondered if I was so in love with Phil because of the idea of freedom. But despite all this mess between T and I.. my feelings are NOTHING like I developed for Phil in a week. I honestly think what we had was truly real. I honestly believe he was my soulmate. and I wrecked it. I know this all sounds so horrible, but JP and I just don’t even have a relationship anymore. But since I have been distant and my heart has been heavy, JP has started showing affection and love again. Onl because he feels threatened. He told me he feels like I’m going to get lonely and stray again, which is exactly what has already happened. T and I talk often and I thought things were going well, until a few days ago. I posted something simple on FB and Phil "liked" my status and that was all it took to make me doubt everything and miss him even more. Inevitably, my heart is still his. It sounds so dumb when I read through this, but it’s all so true. To know that he still might look into my life a tiny bit makes me have a glimmer of hope, however stupid it is. T has 2 kids like myself and is a bit older than I, but we get along really well. He makes me feel protected and safe, but he doesn’t make me feel like Phil did. Over the moon.

Like my mom has said, I have spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that things with JP will work out and I don’t miss him. But even after 3 years, it’s not enough. It still hurts. I still miss him. I still feel connected to him, even though we don’t even talk anymore.

I’m so tired of living my life for everyone else. I’m so tired of feeling trapped because I want my kids to have 2 parents who are together. Part of me wants to leave, attempt to gather the pieces of my life back together, and hope he comes back in time. But it’s been so long and I feel that his end of things probably don’t even exist anymore. Same old argument between the head and the heart, three years plus later. I wish I would’ve been brave enough way back when. I wish I was brave enough now.