Was I really missing something?

Year after year, I’ve always wondered if I missed out by leaving him. Missed out on that once in a lifetime kinda love. It’s made me miss him more and more each day, although the pain got easier to handle. I’ve regretted a lot where our relationship was concerned. I never had an ill word to say about him and in my head, he was the perfect one. In my head, I was the awful one who damaged our relationship so beyond words that we couldn’t even be friends. I built him up on such a pedestal that made it really hard to overcome everything.

Now I wonder if I’ve been wrong all these years. He’s back in my life, and that magic spark isn’t. Have I outgrown that relationship? I don’t know that he’s the person I thought he was, or maybe he has just changed so much. He’s still floating through life, waiting for everything to fall in to place instead of reaching for what he truly wants. He’s taking the easy route in life, in my opinion.

I honestly expected to meet up with him and lose all control, like in time’s pasts. That it would make me so confused and heartbroken all over again. That it would reaffirm my ideas I’ve had all these years. But it didn’t. Way back when, I never felt any guilt when I would go off and spend an afternoon with him. This time it ate me up inside. I’ve got a lot on the line to lose and it’s made me realize it’s not worth it.

If anything, he makes me appreciate what I have even more. I know he told me that material things don’t mean happiness and he’s very right. However, I look around at all I have and wonder why I would even risk it for something from my past. I have a great relationship with a man who is my best friend and an excellent daddy to our two kids. We have a beautiful house, enjoy every little moment we can, and we have a beautiful life. Our children had what I never had. Two parents who are crazy in love and stable for them. Sure, we may not have everything and we may struggle at times. But in the end, it always works itself out.

He used to tell me the kids would some day sense my unhappiness and encourage me to actually leave. That they’d be better off with a happy mom than somebody who was stuck. And maybe I WAS stuck in a place I didn’t want to be once upon a time. But right now.. they have a happy mom. I am incredibly happy in this life. I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier or more stable. I don’t struggle with depression anymore. I want my children to love coming home to the house they grew up in. I want my children to come home to BOTH of their parents. I want my grandchildren to love this house and love spending time with Grandma and Grandpa.

Truth of the matter is, I can’t picture anyone else by my side in 5, 10, 20, 50 years. I can’t picture anyone else in my children’s lives. I can’t picture having any more kids with anyone else.

I realize now what a huge milestone this is for me. I’m learning to let it go, and over these last few years I’ve let a lot go already. God works in mysterious ways and I honestly think he knew that was what I needed. I’m living without regret for the first time in years and it feels BEAUTIFUL. He knew I needed those few years to heal. And He knew I needed this experience to make me more content.

Truth of the matter is, love isn’t always peaches and cream. Sometimes it’s broken, sometimes you fight, sometimes you say some not so nice things. It’s not a fairytale. It’s about learning to love and appreciate every little thing about the person beside you. It’s about being best friends and having a ton of fun together. It’s looking at each other without having to say a word and knowing you’re both thinking the same thing and maybe even sharing a giggle in a room filled with a ton of other people.

I love him so much, and it’s not who I thought I would always love. I’ve let it all go, and I’ve jumped in two feet with the father of my children. I’m so in love with him.

We haven’t really talked since the visit. I have a feeling it was a let down for him, too. He said it wasn’t and that he still felt the spark, but I had a feeling he was sugar coating it. Or maybe not, who knows. If he wants to be friends, I’m all for that. But right now- maybe forever, I’m in love with the greatest man I’ve ever known. Surprisingly, it’s not who I thought I would share happiness with. But we’ve found it and I’m not going anywhere. I’m not risking it for something out of my past.

Living without regret is amazing. Living with what you now know to be TRUE love is incredible. After all, there’s a reason why I’ve been with him 11 years. 🙂