torn apart.

I don’t really know what to say. I’m sitting here, heartbroken with tears streaming down my face. It’s been no big secret these days that he has seemed to officially moved on and gotten over me. Which, part of me wants to be happy for. But the part of me, most of me, that’s still very much in love with him aches over it. I found out tonight that he’s seeing somebody else, and they seem to be getting close.

I feel like a fist was punched through my chest. I know I gave it up, as much as I hate that I did, but I still have my regrets, yanno? I still think of him very often, and wish to be with him. Sometimes I sit and wonder what I was thinking and how I’ve only managed to dig myself deeper into this life.

We had a connection I always thought would last forever. If not as a couple, then as best friends. That connection has completely gone, he doesn’t even wish to talk anymore. Anytime I try to contact him, it’s not really answered. He’s moved on. And I’m still wallowing in my sorrows, still mourning what we had. Like I said, I WANT to be happy for him.. but I cant.

Even worse, I doubt if he even loved me at one point or another. He’s not the same person anymore. It feels like it was all an act.

I know it’s time for me to suck it up and get on with my life. Unfortunately, 16 months after the day we met… I still feel the pain as if it’s the exact instant I ended things.  I know I’m going to carry these regrets, and very possibly this pain, for the rest of my life.  And there’s nothing I can do about it. It doesn’t help that fate seems to slap me in the face every chance it gets…by playing one of our songs, or how everything reminds me of him.

I lost my best friend. Looks like another night of dreams and hidden tears. I wake up crying probably 4 nights a week, after dreams of him.

I need help. I’m falling apart. I feel locked into my life, a life that doesn’t always feel right.