Struggling

Well, it’s definitely been awhile. School has started for myself and for Gabe.
I liked college at first, it gave me something to do after the kids were asleep. But this week I’ve really felt the strain of all of it, I may have taken on just a smidge much. However, I’m ahead in all my classes and getting A’s- can’t ask for any better than that. I pour hours into homework after my little ones are fast asleep, only to remember at 12:30am that I have class in the morning. Ugh. I do enjoy the classes and having something to occupy my time.. however, sometimes I just want to go to bed or watch my shows(which I normally can because I’m caught up all the time) but then I feel guilty.
Gabe started preschool at the our church. They are 3 weeks in and he absolutely loves it. I had the oppurtunity to volunteer Thursday. It is a co-operative program so there is a parent on site as a helper every day. Anyway, I got to see their schedule and chain of events. As a former preschool teacher, I am amazed by Gabe’s teacher. She is a saint who has thought of EVERYTHING. The kids are so structured, though they see it as fun, that they barely have time to be naughty or act out. The kids also have Chapel every Thursday which was interesting. Our Pastor gets down to their level & delivers a mini kid-friendly sermon, sings a few songs with them, and then they kneel at the alter to pray the Lord’s Prayer. I am absolutely in love with this preschool and SO thankful we switched him out of that chaotic environment from last year. As I sat there and thought about it the other day, it looks as if I will have 4 straight years at this preschool. I plan to send Gabe to the M/W/F 4 y/o class next year, and the year after he will go to real school & Madelyn will be entering their 3 y/o class. Gabe always tells me he loves Ms.Shelly and does not want to go back to his old school at all. So thankful, God is good.
I have to admit I’ve been struggling lately, although I’m not sure why. I feel a bit of the depression seeping in, maybe it’s the weather. JP and I aren’t always getting along and I find myself bitter and sad. I’m desperately trying to get through this, but it just keeps lingering on me.
I’m mad at my dad. He has no confidence in me and that really REALLY hurts. I don’t know how to recover  my relationship with him at all. The more I think back on my childhood, the more angry I become. Why wasn’t he around for me? Why didn’t he get down and play with me? Why wasn’t he a father? Why did he leave my mom to do it all? I’m mad at him. I’m pissed. My Uncle Tom/Godfather asked me how I felt about my dad not attending Maddy’s baptism because he was on vacation and I told him I was upset. He understood and tried to make me feel better. And I’m realizing that’s what’s been going on my entire life.. my dad was never around and my uncle always stepped in. I have some wonderful memories of playing with my Uncle and spending countless days with him.  I wish I could let it go, it was a long time ago..but each day it hurts more.
I broke down, and despite my better judgement, called Phil the other day. Apparently his phone number has changed as I got some lady who barely spoke English. Oh well, I know that it was for the better. That would have only gotten me in more trouble and made me more upset with how my life is turning out.
I have my happy days, but lately I’ve been struggling. Pray to God, turn it over to Him…
Let Him heal.