quick update.

Just a quick update to let everyone know that Gram did in fact have surgery. It was planned for Monday but then suddenly canceled when the surgeon received word at the very last second that he had to do a heart transplant. So she went in at Tuesday at 11am, the surgeon came out at 5:30. She is in ICU right now and they are working with her. Her vitals have been jumping a bit, and she has been sick from the anesthetic(she was sedated for almost 7-8 hours). Tuesday night we were able to see her for a few minutes…she was on the ventilator & had a breathing tube in but was struggling to communicate. Yesterday she had no recollection of us ever being there. Today she had no recollection of us being there yesterday. She told my mom she wondered if she’d ever see her family again. I hope this is simply a fluke, and side effects of the medications and not something more serious.

I’m still desperately trying to divide my time between my responsibilities the house, the kids, & time at the hospital. The hospital is about 40 minutes away, so it’s not so simple.

And to top it all off, my heart just isn’t in a good place right now. I’m not really sure what’s going on. I am emotionally shot at this point. I feel numb a lot of times, and catch myself drifting into space a lot. My mind is so scarcely spread. I really thought that I was more mature with my emotions.. I thought I had better self control, that I could be okay through anything. And here I am, wilting in distress.

JP and I are not fairing this storm well. I feel like he just doesn’t…get it. I will be mid sentence about Grandma, and he’ll remind me to buy Jetdry when I’m at Walmart….sigh. He thinks he’s being supportive, but I’ve never felt so alone. I’ve tried to explain it, but he just gets mad and stands twenty feet away. When he gets home at night, I just dread dealing with him. He’s always got some remark or something to say.

The kids go to bed and I just sit and cry. About Gram, about how life seems to be so chaotic right now. I sit here and actually pray, something I haven’t done in a long time, for this to all work out and for me to have the strength. Pretty sure the depression is creeping back in..

I feel so alone. And it’s amazing, the small group of people I’d always thought would support me are no where to be found. Funny how that works.

There’s one person that I know would make me feel better, would help me to restore my faith, but they’ve checked out too it seems.