my heart still aches.

There’s something that’s really been weighing heavy on my heart for awhile now, but I’ve tried not to post about it and deal with it quietly. My heart still aches. Phil finally decided he couldn’t do the situation anymore and stepped out, quite understandably. He’s become very bitter towards me and I 100% understand that. But it’s really hard to deal with when that was the person you thought you could count on for anything.

I don’t feel like he misses me or loves me anymore. Which I would understand if he didn’t.

But I miss him terribly. He crosses my mind every day, numerous times a day and I always think about him. Everything that we shared still comes to mind, and I’m often reminded of him by things. For instance, we loved watching The Notebook together. We felt like it fit our love perfectly. Now I can’t dare watch the movie. For some reason, it always seems to come on cable and I immediately shut it off. The other night Remember The Titans was on and the guy who played Noah in The Notebook played in this movie, and everytime I saw him it made me cringe. I thought time healed all pain, but so far it hasn’t healed any of this. Songs that we both really loved always seem to come on and I try to find a way to get away from them.

He finally said he would see me today. I couldn’t bring myself to go out there, because I know in my heart that I would be standing there wanting things I couldn’t have. I know I would cry. And I know I would want him to hold me, and be totally heartbroken if he didn’t.

I told him there were things I had to return or give to him. He, in a text, told me I could bring "the crap." It just hurts that everything is so bittter. It hurts that stuff I thought we both treasured in our relationship has turned into "the crap." He has every right to feel this way and I have no right to feel turned away, but that’s the way it is.

I miss him dearly. I miss his love. I miss the love we shared. And I do wish I had been strong enough.

Sigh..my hormones are so out of whack.