If I only knew then what I know now..

I wanted to find a particular entry from 2008, and got lost in my thoughts from a long time ago. I’ve had this diary since January 14, 2004.. I was 15 years old and a ball of teenage hormonal mess. This diary has followed me through my teen years, my depression, my struggles, my happiness, my relationship with JP(ups and downs), and many other times of my life.

I read back and I can honestly see where my mental struggles were and how mixed up I seemed to be. 2008 was a big year for me. I was a new mommy to a sweet baby boy, had lost over 80lbs, met somebody new, and experienced many new things for the first time.

My life really did not even out until I said goodbye to that certain someone and focused on my family life and my children. I got pregnant with Maddy in September of 2009 and that seems to be where most of it leveled off. Sure I still struggle at times with my depression and I still think of that person at times, but life is better now…way more stable and I have so very much to be thankful for. I locked up those entries a while ago because truthfully, it was a bit embarrassing to see my words and thoughts.

Anyway, back to why I was digging through my old entries… I was looking for a certain entry I wrote back in 2008. I wrote it on July 14, 2008 with an update on my weight loss. At that time, I had lost 80lbs from my ever highest weight. I looked and felt great. But through the stress of the past couple years, having another baby, poor choices…sadly I’ve gained most of it back. I’ve gone off and on Weight Watchers since I had Maddy but it just wasn’t my main focus. I was nursing her and I wanted to make sure my supply stayed up and I was just so busy with the kids. I’ve finally decided NOW needs to be the time. I don’t feel good anymore, and truthfully I think it has begun to take a tole on my health. So today Mom and I hung our heads and went back to WW. I really want to stick with it this time because I need to. I want to be healthy for my kids and I want to look and feel good about myself again. Last time it only took me 7 months to loose 60lbs. That isn’t that long. I also worked out for thirty minutes tonight..and while it kicked my butt, it felt damn good to be feeling that kind of strain again. So here’s to change, and hoping it sticks this time!

In 68 short(hopefully) days we will be packing up and making the 20 hour road trip journey to Daytona Beach, FL and I am so excited. I was skeptical at first but JP convinced me. We will be gone May 19-May 27th. We will celebrate our 10 year anniversary, my birthday, and Maddy’s 2nd birthday there. I can not wait to get a picture of my little girl in front of the ocean on her birthday! How cool is that…especially because at my soon to be 24 years I have yet to see the ocean or be far from home.

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