Heavy heart, need a prayer.

I know I don’t often write here…Life has officially become a "beautiful mess." I hit the ground running in the morning and it doesn’t stop until the second those sweet sets of eyes shut.

But tonight, I’m here with a very heavy heart and a lot on my mind and nowhere to take it. I can’t cry anymore, I don’t have any tears left.

My Grandmother, my sweet Grandmother, was taken to the ER Sunday night. She had become sick with flu like symptoms for the fourth time since the first of the year. I’ve been nagging her, that something wasn’t right…but she, being her stubborn self, just wouldn’t listen. Her doctor said everything was normal. Oh dear, everything is NOT normal. When she got to the ER her heartrate was 198(normal is 70-90) They attempted to lower it with medications but couldn’t. The only other option was to sedate her and shock the heart, hoping that her heart would come back. It came back, but it was only the start of things. Tests have proven she had a heartattack over three weeks ago, possibly up  to a year ago. Her heart is damaged… her right artery is completely eccluded(basically, gone), she has a tear in a vesel, and an anurism on the bottom portion. Since Sunday, she’s had a new test every day. As of today, she is being transferred to a bigger hospital in the city tomorrow and will meet with a heart surgeon and another team of doctors. She will have one more test done… as it stands, the damage to her heart is moderate and with one problem alone, they wouldn’t operate. However, she has more than one issue going on. The test tomorrow will determine if these issues are effecting the rythm of her heart. It comes down to 2 options… one option, she goes home on medications to manage it. The second option is surgery to repair the vesel and remove the anurism.

This Grandma helped raised me, watched me while my parents worked, and for almost a year cared for my son while I worked. She’s been one of my best friends in life.. we’ve always spent a ton of time together. We’ve lived in the same town all my life, and for the last two years on the same block. At one point, we were living right next door until we needed a bigger house. Gabe often spends his afternoons with her, he’s always begging me to call her and walk him to her house. The kids light up with her, and her the same.

There’s been so many signs in the past year that we’ve missed… but her doctor assured her everything was normal. As much as we all hate to admit it, she’s no longer capable of caring for herself on her own. She can take care of herself, but not the daily things like laundry, housekeeping, remembering to take her pills, etc. She will no longer live on her own when she comes home. Nor will she live on the same block. She’s moving in with my Uncle, about a half hour away for the time being. I’m so sad… I’m so broken hearted…while I know it’s best for her, my heart is broke. And I have to explain this to my sweet three year old whose losing his favorite playmate. Not loosing, persay, but she won’t be a hop skip and a jump away.

I’ve cried my eyes out, usually in private, and I officially have no tears left. I’m entering the numb stage… and I’m slipping. I’m glad I threw out all my mood stabilizers along time ago, or I’d be cracking into those tonight and sleeping for awhile. Instead, I’ll settle for Christian music on youtube and a stiff drink.

I’m used to physical exhaustion, but it’s been a long time since I was this emotionally and mentally depleted.

A sweet, sweet friend taught me a lot about faith and having faith that things will all work out in the end, that it will be God’s Will. I’m trying to turn it over to God and pray hard. What is meant to be will be. If it’s her time, I pray her takes her swiftly and painlessly…but at the same time..

God.. I’m not ready to let go. My kids aren’t ready to let go…

At the same time, I’m trying to let go of a lot of anger for my family. I am managing about 8-10 hours at the hospital per day with two tiny ones at home. Yet my fellow cousins, without children or obligations, are nowhere to be found. All 5 of her children have been there EVERY DAY. And I have, too. But my cousins? All 7 of them? I’ve only seen one yesterday. Two more came to visit today and they go MONTHS, YEARS(not an exageration) without seeing Grandma and they live in the SAME town. They stayed for an hour today before they left… and asked her "so what have you been doing?" 0.0 honestly? I know it’s not right to be this way, to be this angry but I can’t help it. It’s something I know they will regret some day.. I’m so angry, God help me to let it go..

God, I’m laying it in your hands. Please protect her and help to heal. I’m only 22, with two tiny ones, I need her guidance. I need her support, her love. I’m not ready to let go..

Gram & Family on her 70th birthday…that sweet baby in the swing is now my rambunctious 3 year old..