dying inside.

 

Well, life is moving along at an okay pace right now. I only have a few more weeks left of this semester(15 days to be exact) and then we’ll be done until January 18th. I’m getting all As in my classes right now and the only thing I’m worried about is my English research paper. I did very good on all my other papers, and they didn’t take me long at all but I really struggled with this research one..plus documenting all your sources correctly and such. I just emailed the rough draft to my professor today so that she can give us feedback on our source documentation. I’m nervous, I don’t want to have to go back and fix a ton of stuff. I’m so done with that paper. My math class is going very well, he gave us our last list of assignments and said if we can get that done & take the test we can finish up early. This is exciting for me because this is my on-site class, so it would be nice to be done earlier and stop getting up at 6:30 to go to school. As for my Intro to Sociology, I think we only have a few chapters left. Each chapter includes an assignment, a quiz, post to discussion board, reply to discussion, and a discussion wrap-up. You can tell the professors are getting lazy and ready to be done also, my sociology assignments which used to take 2-3 hours only take 30-45 minutes because he makes them so easy.

 

Next semester is yet another math class and Intro to Psych. Thankfully I was able to land all online classes, so I won’t have to go to school at all. Grandma ordered my books like she does(she offered to pay for books for any grandchild who went to college) and I’m going to skim my math book. If it looks rough, I’m going to switch to an on-site class. I’m not very good at math, and I learn best by lecture and display.

 

Work has been really good. I trained for my new position and am currently in it now. I LOVE IT. I like being able to do a more variety of work, something that requires my head a bit more. It’s a bit stressful, though but I’m learning to stay calm and work through it. I am turning into a perfectionist in my old age and that makes me want to micro-manage all the time. I’ve run into a few problems with fellow co-workers, but I’m not letting it keep me down. One is jealous and has wanted a medlead position for awhile now but they won’t give her one because of her piss-poor attitude. And the other one is still too chummy with me, wants to gossip constantly throughout a shift, and doesn’t take direction well from a “friend”. We had a resident have some issues yesterday and I had to call 911. In the process of getting all his paperwork together, this certain staff is gossiping to me about the other 2nd shift lead, and complaining about the schedule. I was irritated by that point. I won’t lie, I did gossip a little when I was on the floor. Nothing too horrible. But I’m very hesitant to at this point, especially about another lead. I just feel like it’s different now, I’m their boss.. I’m not going to stand there and gossip about another lead, or even another coworker. I shouldn’t have been doing it before, and I’m definitely not going to do it now and get my ass in a sling with management or the other lead. I like her, and we get along well. I don’t like all her practices and I run my shift quite differently, but I respect her ways just as I hope she respects mine. If the staff has an issue with her, they need to go to OUR boss…not another lead. Other than, it’s going well. I like it, and the management aspect of it is coming to me. My Grandma told me to stick with it and that it would come with the position and the experience. She was right.

 

The kids are doing well. My sweet baby boy turned FOUR this past Monday. 🙁 I can’t believe it’s been this long. Four years ago today we brought him home from the hospital in a snow storm and coincidentally, we’re getting our first light snow of the year tonight. He got a Leappad for his birthday and he LOVES it. It’s a pretty neat toy. It has also encouraged him to behave better and keep his room clean. He was a bit upset Monday that we weren’t having his party on his birthday, but I tried to explain we’re having it Saturday. I’m so partied out, I can’t wait until this one is over. My mom, her boyfriend, my dad, and his girlfriend will all be in the same room. Somebody shoot me.

 

Things with JP just aren’t going well. I’m so tired of his anger and how he handles it. He yells, throws things on occasion, and is downright nasty. Last night, Maddy woke up and he went in by her and was yelling at her to go to sleep. She was very fussy so I held her for a bit and then he took her into the living room to have a snack. Well, while he was gone I dozed off in bed. He comes in, yelling at me about how she’s not sleeping and throwing a spazfit and being an asshole. Then he goes down the hallway and kicks the gate into the living room. Really? All over an 18 month old who doesn’t want to sleep? I don’t have an issue taking turns, or staying up with her..but I’d appreciate if he’d ask me nicely instead of coming in, screaming at me and yelling at me while I’m half awake. There just isn’t much love there anymore.. I have a hard time even looking at him and being intimate is downright impossible. Last night after he did all this, I almost packed up the kids and left. I just can’t handle it anymore, I feel so numb. He acts like he’s the only one who’s allowed to be tired or stressed out. Nevermind all the cleaning, cooking, taking care of two kids, going to school full time, and working part time. He doesn’t help me around the house or with any laundry. On my weekends to work, I spend days after that trying to get my house back in some type of order and doing PILES of laundry. I wonder if he feels the same way I do, like there’s nothing there.

 

And on top of it, of course…he doesn’t know or even pick up on how I feel. I’ve tried to tell him, and of course..like all the other times, like the past 10 years he finds someway to blame it on me and make me feel responsible.

 

He’s a good father, an incredible one and that’s why it’s so hard to leave. I don’t want my kids to grow up in a broken home. But at the same time, I feel as if they already are. I FEEL broken, and I’m sure they catch the tension. As they get older and older, it’ll be harder to hide the tension and they’ll pick up on my feelings, the lack of love and affection. He is good to me at times, and he allows me to do my schooling. We make a good family, but we make horrible lovers. He’s my best friend…and nothing more it feels.

 

<font face="Euphemi

a, sans-serif”> We met young. I liked him because it was easy, I didn’t think anyone else would like me. Why it lasted until we had Gabe I will never know. He was horrible to me, and very verbally abusive. He didn’t care when I cried. He wasn’t there for me, would ignore me for days, etc. After we had Gabe, I stayed for him. We broke up. I loved and lost an incredible man and that’s something that still haunts me almost 3 and a half years later. I went back because it was easy, it was what everyone expected me to do. I stayed because it was easier, because once again that’s what I was expected to do.

 

But what about me? What about my heart still being somewhere else? What about the man that I felt was perfect in every way for me? I’m so buried inside this facade of pretending to be happy I don’t even feel like I know how to be happy anymore. People on the outside would probably never know because I hide it well. I want to feel again. I want to feel that love that makes you feel like you’re the only two in the world every time you touch. I miss being comforted when I cried, I miss discussing problems in an adult manner.

 

I miss him, with all my heart. I know I did wrong to him and put him through hell. I know I blew it.

 

I don’t hold out hope that we’ll ever be back together, but I only know one thing.. I can’t stay here forever. I’ll die inside.