[9 months] Achy

My heart just aches lately. It seems like a bad or hard to deal with thing keeps happening, one right after another, and I can’t make sense of anything and I feel I’m getting depressed.

The Sunday before last, our good friend Tim was in a car accident and died on impact. I still can’t even type those words without crying. He was 25. This is so senseless to me I can’t even take it. Nothing has hurt this bad since my mom died. I will think of him at the most random times, his face with his great goofy smile will pop into my head, and it doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing, I cry. Yesterday on the freeway I went from laughing about something to in a split second crying about Tim so hard I almost had to pull over. The only thing that brings me comfort is that he really loved life and made it his own and did what he wanted to. But he was robbed of so much of the life he deserved and it’s just tearing me apart.

My former best friend had a baby. I’ve tried a couple of times to reach out to her. I sent a letter. I sent a text. I’ve gotten no contact back and it’s hurting. Even though it wasn’t my "fault" relationship ended, not really, I am the one that made the choice to do what I did and she hasn’t spoken to me since. I saw a picture of the baby and cried for an hour. She looks just like her. I miss her, and it’s so hard knowing she has a baby, when I have a baby, and it would all just be perfect. If we were still friends.

One of my good friends was all set to TTC and her boyfriend told her (again, he’s done this once before), that he decided he did not want a baby and if she wanted one he was going to leave. It’s hard to watch.

A mama in my due date group lost her baby yesterday. He was 9.5 months yesterday, because Adelaide is 9.5 months today and he was born the day before her. I’m assuming SIDS although we haven’t heard many details. She is, understandably, not online, but from others posting for her I know she nursed him at 4 am and when she woke up at 7 am, he did not. My absolute worst fear. I can’t even imagine. I would not be able to go on if something happened to Adelaide. If I had another child I suppose I would have to continue on for them, but I don’t know how.

There’s a lot of other, more minor, stuff going on and it’s all just adding up. I was sick all weekend (Friday evening-Monday morning was the worst of it), and I’m still really weak and dehydrated and I’m sure it’s not helping the general gloomy feeling. I barely talked at work today.

It’s not like no good stuff is going on. I got accepted for the first round of interviews for the volunteer doula program at the hospital/birth center where I had Adelaide. I also have my own first doula client who is due any second now. It’s just kind of hard to see the good through all this gloomy fog right now. I’ll post recent pictures soon. Adelaide is growing every day, picking up words and throwing them into her vocabulary and taking steps here and there but only if SHE feels like it and there’s no cameras around.