To my favorite OD users.

Forgive me if I sound like a SUPER CREAP but I’m feeling nostalgic.

So after I wrote that entry, like an hour ago, I was thinking about some of the diaries I used to read on here. I checked up on my usual bookmarks but some of them at the bottom of the list are now on faves only and I haven’t read them for a couple years now. So sad. Because I still have images in my mind from the entries I read.

We all change our user name over the years I imagine so its hard to keep track. I cant even remember what mine was when I started but I think this is only my 3rd user name in the years I’ve been on here. I actually started OD when I was 15 and dealing with an eating disorder. OD had a huge F* up and I lost all my entries, until 2004. So my diary only goes back to 2004. But actually I used to do a "back up" via "download my diary" so I have them saved. But they’re in weird text formats. If anyone remembers what my old user name used to be, holler at me. Like coyote…..if you’re out there, I noticed a note from you in 2004 when you’re name was come see everything. Its been over 10 years that I’ve been using this diary.

I remember reading about a dancer in NYC, who had an eating disorder like I did at the time. I was a dancer too so I loved her entries. I will never forget some of them. Her diary name then was "starving". Its not now, and I don’t have access to it anyway 🙁

I remember a BEAUTIFUL red haired girl with a beautiful little daughter named Imogen. Her life as a mom was so enchanting. They live in Canada. I can’t forget them!

People who you’ve never even met can have an effect on you. I love coming here and reading about other peoples lives, so different from mine, or in some ways very similar.

I realized looking back how much things have changed for me too. I wrote a lot about Brandon in the past, and that grungy strung out life that I loved so much. The energy I thrived off of, and the whirlwind of ups and downs. I don’t regret anything. I love looking back, and I miss a lot of things about the past, though I wouldn’t change my present for the world.

I actually found the perfect man for me, in all this chaos. He really is everything I need even though most of the time I don’t realize it. I’m not saying this is some fairytale love. But Paul makes me better. He isnt perfect: He doesn’t compliment me often, or buy me presents, or act all love dovey— he isnt always prince charming– but everything that is flawed about Paul, and everything that is incredible about Paul, makes me a better person just by experiencing this life with him. What we have built together is something so real and pure and true, that I know in my core I have put down some solid roots. With Paul. My anchor to this world, even when my fucking head is in the clouds– which if you read back a few years you would know that it tends to start floating away without something to ground it.

I am grateful for this journey. I love the peaks and the valleys. I love those earth shattering lows. Yes, I do. You know exactly what I mean. And of course I smile with pride at those heavenly highs I’ve experienced in my life.

My daughter is the culmination of all that is and all that was, of me.