Time to Vent.

I’ve been searching through some diaries on here and I’m glad a found a couple I can read that discuss similar issues to the ones I’m having now. I never should have left OD for so long! I need this space to write and process, and read others. I have some friends on here that I probably "met" (you know) when I was 14 or 15 years old and got on OD for the first time. I lost all those entries years ago (something happened to the site or I did something to it, i dont remember but they’re gone). Its been about 10 years for me on OD. How is that possible?? There were lots of times where I didnt write at all though. Like all of last year. I always say I’m going to do better about writing. Maybe I will this time. Maybe not. We’ll see- I’m gonna try. Because I really need to write. Especially now.
 
 
I am home raising my sweet Lucy and not working. I am starting nursing school in Jan though, but only taking 3 classes (2 online and 1 in person that has a lecture and a lab so i guess its more like 4…). But until Jan I have been and will continue to be a stay at home mom. I hate to say it this way, but ever since we had the baby, things have not been the same with me and Paul. Its not because of her, I’m sure its because of me, but I need to write. A baby changes everything, as that song goes. Its a distinct possibility that my emos are all outta whack still since I gave birth. If you thought going from normal to pregnant was dramatic, try going from pregnant to not pregnant. Thats one hell of a drastic change. Physically I would like to note that my body/weight went back to normal so fast I couldnt even blink or I woulda missed it. I am probably weighing less now that what would be "normal" for me (the non-dieting non-working out normal). Its all because of breast feeding. Which is another reason my emotions could be so f–ed up?? I don’t have the answers. I know I had the baby blues pretty bad at first, with a lot of crying for the first 6 weeks postpartum. And I feel like we went through an adjustment period for about 3 months, which I think is totally normal only its different for everyone. It basically took me 3 months to adjust to being a mom, having a baby around, and getting into a new normal. I have a "normal" now as far as my life goes. I am confident in taking care of Lucy, no problem- and that probably happened within 2 months. I enjoy her every day now and take the problems in stride (not so easy in the beginning when you are a new mom).
 
Basically, mommy + baby = DAMN PERFECT. And im proud of it too, cuz i’m awesome at it.
 
mommy + daddy = PRETTY SHITTY. and as far as a wife goes, I suck.
 
I guess I have a clusterfuck in my brain when it comes to figuring out whats fair between us, what his role is, what my role is, and what I should expect of him and vise versa. So we’ve just fought a ton, and didnt solve anything, and distanced ourselves to the point we are at now.
 
He sleeps on the couch every night, which he’s done off and on since we moved to florida. He sleeps out there because he prefers to, not cuz he is in the "doghouse" or anything. Thats just where he sleeps. We had sex 2 or 3 times during pregnancy, then didnt have any sex until about 3 months postpartum (you cant for 6 weeks) and since Lucy was born we’ve only had sex TWICE and she is 4 months old. We just don’t now. And I think we are just to the point where that’s that. We dont have sex. If you think about it….this is a fact: we have had sex 4 times in 1 year. HOW F*ING SAD. He is 31 and I am 25. We have been married for 3 and a half years. This is not normal for young people, much less ANY people.
 
Paul works from 10:30am – 10:30pm 6 days a week. Sometimes he gets 2 days off though, and sometimes he goes in at 11am instead, or gets home at 9pm…but on average I’d say he works at least 10 hour days. And in the mornings, before 10:30am, he either goes running, or fishing, or both. He is running a marathon on Dec 11 so he’s been training ever since Lucy was born. Its not just a simple morning run- he runs about 20 miles and is gone for 3 hours in the morning. Then he gets home and has to eat (a lot), shower, and get ready for work. He likes to hold Lucy at some point during the mornings, but sometimes she is taking her morning nap during that small window of time. Or if she isnt, he does hold her, but for maybe 5 minutes. When he gets home from work, he doesnt want to be bothered with anything, and Lucy is typically in bed at 9pm anyway. Like mornings, there are nights when she is still up when he gets home, but not usually.
I understand that he works a lot. And he says I "don’t". OK- I’m not clocking in but the hell if i’m not working. But whatever- he’s right, my job is easier in some ways because I’m at home. There is a chance i’m resentful of being 25 years old and spending my days singing "wheels on the bus" and cleaning, grocery shopping, and clipping frickin coupons. I love my job as a mom though, and I do like being organized and whatever- but I dont like cleaning and hey- i cant get much of it done anyway because there is a baby on my boob about 3/4 of the day. I love nursing- dont get me wrong. I’m a huge fan of breastfeeding and I plan to do this as long as possible- but is it alright to complain once and a while that this is a HUGE commitment???!?!?! It really is. I dont think people realize that. I dont think women are even that open about that either. Its not easy to have to empty your boobs in one way or another every 3-4 hours minimum, no matter what. Dinner and a movie? How long does that take? Well, about half an hour to drive there, then an hour to eat, then 3 hours for a movie, then half an hour home, thats 5 hours. Think you’re gonna have time for kissy kissy when you get home from your date? Not if you dont want your boobs to explode all over him. Better figure out where you are going to pump or better grab that baby up for her next meal RIGHT when you get home! Maybe, like me, they dont hurt that bad anymore after 5 hours because you’ve been doing this for a while, but if you dont do something about your boob situation right when you get home (because now you’ve pushed the limit at 5 hours if you didnt pump while you were on your date) you may not be in pain but your milk supply will suffer if you keep doing this. And then who suffers? The baby. If you want to reach your breastfeeding goal, which is at least 1 year, and thats whats best for the baby, then you cant keep being away from her for long periods of time without pumping. So i guess its just easier not to be away from the baby, right!? I dont want to be away from her anyways. But I am very committed to my breastfeeding goal and doing whats best for her, so that means lots of sacrifices for me. Ok I sound like a spoiled whinny brat. I love breastfeeding and I am not going to quit for any selfish reasons, but I just needed to vent. And I’m willing to make all the sacrifices necessary and I wont bithc anymore. But I cant say its easy. When I go to class, I will have to pump at the college. What if I dont have time between

classes? Its stressful sometimes but all my husband sees is me on the couch with a baby on my boob like, what? And thats another thing. All my husband sees is me on the couch with a baby on my boob. Is that sexy? Maybe im being immature. But its kinda hard to go from topless due to convenience of nursing, to topless due to sexytime with husband. I dont feel sexy. But thats not the problem.
 
I dont want to have sex with him anyway. Any free moment Paul has, he spends fishing, or reading about fishing, or buying things for fishing, or buying a BOAT. Yes, he bought a boat. We are on one income but he took half of what we have in the bank and purchased a freaking fishing boat. We discussed this before hand, and i didnt want him to get it, i wasnt supportive (obviously) but in the end I gave in after he bitched and whined and made me feel like a horrible wife…i gave him several conditions (like no financing, have to pay for it outright because we have to be able to actually AFFORD the one he gets, etc its used of course). I told him I was going to be very hands OFF this thing, because i have my hands FULL. What does he do? He ends up asking me to do everything anyway. Last night he got all pissed at me because i refused to call the insurance company to get boat insurance. F*ck you! Its YOUR boat!! I didnt even want the stupid thing! Why should I have to do any work for the boat at all!? I told him to man up and accept the responsibility of being a boat owner. Its already in the damn shop. OF COURSE. I’ve had to attempt to put a tarp on it in the rain, make phone calls regarding the boat, talk to him endlessly about what the boat needs….im sick of it. When he has a day off work, and finally has a chance to spend time with Lucy, what does he do? You guessed it. But even when he’s at home, he is online looking at fishing/boating stuff. Thats what he was doing the other night when he was off (he had 2 days off this week) and I was starting to give the baby a bath and running into all kinds of snags…he was dead to the world with his face plastered against the computer screen looking at boat crap. In my head im just raging and I hear myself thinking that other dads would want to give their babies a bath, other dads would have wanted to be a part of it, or help put their kid in their PJ’s, or help put the baby to bed…..
 
I know he works a lot. But he has never once been alone with Lucy while I was gone. He doesnt offer to give her a bottle and feed her (he did it twice in the first month of her life), he doesnt change her diapers, he doesnt hold her for more than 5 minutes before he gets restless and wants to do something else (basically)…I’m not saying he is a bad father. When he does spend time with her, like his usual 10 minutes before work, he makes her fly over his head now, he makes her laugh. He loves her dearly and he was so into it all when we were in the hospital and I had her. He’s not a bad father. I’m more upset about how he is as a husband and friend. He always throws it in my face that he’s a PROVIDER and he works hard and makes all the money for us, I MAKE NONE, he works and I DONT WORK. I dont have a job. He does. So he is fucking awesome. If all I wanted was a husband who worked and brought home money so I could stay home with a baby, I wouldnt have married for love- I would have married for money. I dont want a husband who works and brings home money if he is going to come home and tell me im unsupportive because i got all his groceries but forgot one thing, be more interested in facebooking than playing on the floor with the baby, and who sleeps on the couch every night, and looks at porn instead of having sex with me. I dont want a husband who huffs and puffs or flat-out says no when I ask him to reach over and hand me my water bottle when I’m nursing the baby and cant reach it.
 
Im conflicted about all of this because he does some things that I cant complain about. He throws these in my face all the time: He says "I love you" every day. He doesnt beat me. He loves our daughter. He earns good money so I can get away with not working (which would be hard to do with a baby to take care of, though I WOULD DO IT.) He doesnt drink or smoke or, thankfully now, chew. He doesnt gamble. He doesn’t play video games and isnt obsessed with sports. He says all of these things are awesome and I am complaining about nothing because he is perfect (aside from xanax which he admits is wrong but doesnt want to quit because he would be a mean person without it or something).
But he’s not considerate or loving. Thats just the plain truth. He’s not helpful. He is more concerned with himself than with me, and I just cant get around that. I do so much for him, and I cant name 1 thing he does for me aside from working/money. I know a lot of women would say thats enough, and what the hell is my problem? Sounds like I have it great. And I know I do I guess……so why do I feel so unsatisfied with him? Why do I feel like I am parenting Lucy alone? Aside from his money Im not getting anything from him and that includes love, affection, friendship; advice/talking…..he is like a roommate that pays my bills.
My mom said there are times in every relationship where you are just not as close as in other times. She kinda said that taking care of my husband is part of my new job as a stay at home mom and I should slap a smile on my face and be grateful. The only reason that not working and staying home to raise your baby is seen as a privilege is because not everyone can financially afford to do it, and most women have no choice in the matter (and those women would rather stay home and raise their baby than work!). And I would rather stay home with Lucy too, rather than work, because I believe it is best for her (not all families, just my family). And Paul tells me every time we fight that I should be thankful I have such an awesome husband who works so that I can stay home all day……but thats just not the way I see it! I AMMMMMMM grateful that somehow we’ve been able to survive on one income (barely). I know I am really lucky cuz some moms would kill for that, but they just cant afford to. We made the decision to try and do it, though we have made lots of sacrifices (i think its crazy he bought a boat- good god. now we have no cushion and almost nothing left! But "enough", just enough, to pay the bills. its ridiculous).
 
Anyway- this morning he was bitching at me for being so bitter and unhappy towards him all the time, and that taking care of him is part of my job since i dont work…..maybe he is right? Thats what I thought at the time. But what does he do for me?? He seriously wont even do anything without a huge huffy grumble and most of the time wont do it at all. And Im talking small things, like getting me a drink from the fridge, or turning off the lights when im trying to put the baby down. He bitches about that crap all the time. I just dont get it. I feel like I spend so much time being angry now. Its these little things, and then the underlying bigger thigs like the fact that we dont have sex, and then i find the porn, then that day is ruined because im mad about THOSE things, but we end up fighting about other things…..i told him im not happy with the way things are between us. He wasnt hearing me so I wrote him a sincere letter (email) and even mentioned the sex and other things that were hard for me to say. He blew that off and never responded. In fights after that, he said these are my own demons, and I need to get over this crap because its not going to change. Im unhappy with myself, not with him. He is a great husband and father. "What more do you want from me?? I go to work everyday so you can stay home with the baby. Jesus Erin, you’ve got issues. Get off my back." And then returns to his permanent bed on the couch with his porn.
 
This is not the marriage I want. This is not the way I wanted to parent Lucy- by myself. I know he works! A lot! Yes I know! I dont want to be bitter about this situation! But its just not what I want, and I can’t help it. I am starting school soon, so my mom thinks (though she doesnt know all this) that once I am busy with stuff of my OWN, outside the home and outside of the baby and Paul, that I will get over this stuff and have a better perspective. I wont have time to care that he doesnt do nice things for me and isnt loving. I will be too busy to care. Wow- that sounds great. Not.
 
But in a way, maybe shes right. Im not saying that none of this is my fault. It very well might all be. But I know we’ve got some problems and I’m so tired of trying to work them out on my own. He wont acknowledge anything. He says he is totally content with our relationship and has no issues. He tells me he loves me and everything is peachy. Its only because he doesnt want to fight. How a man can go this long without sex, or any intimacy or whathaveyou is beyond me. Im going crazy. Im wrapping myself up in Lucy but these problems between me and Paul arent going away. Ive yelled and cried and screamed and he doesnt want to bother with this. He’d rather ignore it and go on…fishing on his boat and living his dream. I even thought at one time recently that I was falling out of love with him. I wouldnt want to have sex with him if he asked me today because I have no emotions towards him. I am resentful because it seems like this is just Pauls world and Im just living in it, making it tick, keeping his world running.
 
Im becoming inarticulate as usual so Im gonna let this go for now.