Talk.

I saw my gyno yesterday and he made a lot of comments that got me thinking. He asked why I didnt feel I needed birth control, even though I dont want another baby. I laughed and said if I got pregnant again it would be "immaculate conception." He stopped what he was doing right away and pulled his little stool up close to me. "How does your husband feel about that? He must not be happy." I said "About what? the no sex?" He said "Yeah, why arent you guys having sex?" I said that I wanted to, and he knows I do, but ever since I got pregnant things just havent been happening…." He told me sex was important and we need to work on it, and that sometimes counseling can help. He told me I could talk to him about it anytime. My gyno? Werid. Anyway.

So i get home that night and drink 2 vodkas. I know I have to talk to Paul. And I sure did. But it didnt go my way at all. I pissed him off and while some parts of the convo were OK, other parts were me attacking him. I didnt mean to attack him and I repeatedly told him it wasnt all his fault. Im only going to write about the important parts.

I told him we have NO SEX LIFE and we NEVER HAVE SEX. He disagreed. he said he thought our sex life was average, and that he didnt have a problem with it at all. He said married couples dont have sex 7 days a week. He seems to think married people really dont have much sex at all and it doesnt matter. I asked him why then, does he have to jerk off everyday? Why is he looking at porn? He was exasperated because its true, we’ve been down this goddamn road before. He huffed and puffed a lot and treated me like an insecure idiot, which i have been years ago when we’ve had these convirsations, but im not anymore. He said Im beautiful, but we’re married and…i look the same. Im the same woman. He needs/likes to see DIFFERENT women. Through porn of course, not cheating. Neither one of us would ever cheat and we both know that enough not to waste time talking about it.

In a nutshell, he said he doesnt bother having sex with me because he is not interested in having sex with me….porn is quiker and more efficient and its something different every time. He was nice in the way he put of all this, im just being blunt. I told him I dont care about the porn, what bothers me is that when he jerks off I AM RIGHT THERE, wishing my husband would fuck me. I told him he could have any sexual fantasy he wanted, aside from involving other people, and he kind of balked at that, like, "well then i cant have any fantasy can i?" He didnt say that, but thats the issue for him. Im sure all this is normal, but very very very selfish and self centered. He knows I want to have more sex but he cant be bothered, porn is easier. Great, so…he gets off, and I dont? He fufills his needs, and I dont get to? I told him I have needs. I told him we arent close and I dont feel anything when we are together. I told him i hate that he doesnt sleep in bed with me, for the millionth time, and by this point he was mad as hell. Sick of this crap. Totally done with it. He said I have problems and this is all in my head. He said he would marry me all over again and have the exact same life we have now. He doesnt have a problem with anything. I said, I CANT BELIEVE THATS TRUE. You are a man and are not getting laid at all!!!!!!! He said its just a non-issue for him (read: he is not interested in having sex with me.)

We kept going a little bit, it wound into other areas……but in the end he said he is starting to resent the shit out of me, because he is working all damn day and im sitting here riding his ass about something so stupid, and that I can never be happy with what we have, and im just bored and stuck at home with the baby, and i better get off his back or he is REALLY going to shut me out.

I cried myself to sleep but I was drunk. I went outside and smoked a cigarette (GASP!!!) and wrote a letter to god, which i left out for him to see. It said that i need His help with my relationship, that I love my husband and i dont mean to attack him, but I am upset about certain things and they bother me and I cant let them go. I just asked God to help our marriage.

Ugh.

He didnt like waking up to that. He asked me if I was done dreaming up head-fucks and can we move on with our lives now? He loves me, this is the way it is, its not going to change, GET OVER IT.

Awesome.

I dont know how to feel about it honestly. One minute I’m feeling like an ass, that maybe I should just be happy with my great life with my husband and daughter. And I could still try to spice things up. THe next minute i am resenting the hell out of him for dismissing me, making me feel bad for "bothering" him with "my problems" AGAIN, which he does everytime i want to talk about our marraige. At one point I had told Paul last night that it was going to fall apart if we didnt work on it. I said our marraige is fragile and can unravel. We arent close. So we arent strong. He through that whole concept into my face all morning. "let me know when our marriage starts ‘unraveling,’ ok?" He just doesnt care about my happiness. Then the next second i think, but what am i so unhappy about? nothing that I cant work harder to change.

Im starting to think, if i need something, I should just take it. I dont need to discuss it with Paul first, or drag it out, or attack and blame him (even if i am doing that in my head). I want to spice up our sex life, i shouldnt have said anything, i should have just DONE IT. Im afraid he will reject me of course. He said he wouldnt but…….im also afraid of being disapointed. WHen we actually do have sex, and i get all excited and into it, then he makes little to no effort to please me, I feel worse afterwards than i did before we had sex.

I think im going to put on this school girl outfit and knee-highs, get him to satisfy me, then get up and get dressed without letting him get off. Thats what he does to me every time we have sex. thats my big master plan.

Now if only I can get myself to put on this outfit.