sun.

The notes ive been recieving are amazing. I really appreicate it so much. I have always written here and part of that is to gain a little perspective. Im definitely getting some now, because of the feedback. I have to say, the notes I agree with the most are the unsigned ones on my last entry. When you say so many negative things about your relationship, of course people are going to tell you to leave. that you derserve better and so does your child. But there is so much more to it than that. And YES- entering into marraige and leaving those marriages is so flippant for some people. A lot of people. But THIS marraige is not one of those types of marriages that we walked into lightly. This relationship has deep, thick roots that start in our hearts. We have become one person. We got into an ugly cycle, which is so painful when two people are SO close. We have the most beautiful daughter, sent from heaven. she is not just any child. she is our child and she is the most precious thing on this earth. That is US, its just not a posession we want to toss back and forth on the weekends and holidays. In my heart, i think i know that me and paul will never get a divorce. It will never come to that. I know him, and he would never ever allow that to happen.

I wrote that last entry while Paul was outside, after he stormed out during a fight. When he came back inside, I could see he had been crying. I ignored him for a while because i didnt think he wanted to talk anymore, and I really didnt, so i waited. Eventually he said that he knows he never meant any of the things he said about kicking me out, or getting a divorce, or not loving me. He said Ive said it a lot, and so has he, but he never meant it—he was utterly shocked at how I phrased it the last time: "Maybe i got married too young and we arent compatable". That caught him off guard. THats what made him get up and leave. Because he thought i was saying it with as little feeling behind the words as he was. He didnt think i meant it either, until I put it that way. Because truth is I WAS really thinking that, laying in bed alone. I cried my fucking eyes out for many nights in a row, wondering if I was about to be complelely heartbroken by admitting to myself that I was too young to get married and this isnt real love. I knew i loved him, but i maybe this marraige was fucked up. Maybe none of this was real. I was scared and i said it out loud to paul.

In the end, i admitted that i havent been a great wife either. I thought I was. But he said a few things that made me realize he sees this differently. I think Im doing a lot for him, but he actually said "what do YOU do for ME?" I was flabergasted. I thought I did everything for him! And in my heart, i do- but he isnt seeing it, so something is wrong here. And he thinks he does a lot for me! WHAT!? He couldnt believe i thought he did nothing for me. There is just a break in communication and i dont mean verbal- just everything. And I defininitely think some of the noters were right: He feels inadequate to the task at hand: me. He would never ever ever ever admit that though. But he doesnt have to- i get it. He thinks he is making a little bit of effort, but I dont notice any effort: all i notice is that its LITTLE. Little effort, not effort. Therefore actually worse.

I saw the counselor again and it went well. He told me I have to start responding to Paul differently, and he will in turn start acting differently. If I dont get defensive when he tries to go to the sandbox with me and namecall etc, he will stop doing it. He did agree to stop with the porn–the way he said it was dickish but i think right now, while he doesnt understand why its a problem, he knows it will cause problems with us and he sees that im making a lot of effort, so he better as well. He really doesnt get what role the porn has in this. But its not the porn anyway! I want the intamacy between us. I want to feel love from him. its just not polite, what he’s doing. He is not thinking of my needs or desires and hes being selfish and lazy and hurtful. He does it in other ways too besides porn, but that part is pretty tangible so it takes the most heat. I would like to rekindle the closeness between us and we cant do that if porn is like the other woman, standing in my way and cock blocking me.

I feel so good since we agreed to start over and try harder. He does too. He actually had sex this morning and it was good- because it felt like LOVE. It felt like i miss you and i am here, present, in this relationship, part of this family. I feel confident this will continue as long as i do my part too and dont sit around waiting for him to slip up. I want to take this slow, but symaltaneously dive in. Because i dont want to see leaving as an option anymore, because its really not. it really shouldnt be. there is no reason for me to give up yet. Yes, i will be true to myself, and i wouldnt just stay for my kid. its not that simple. We have a love worth fighting for- only someone you love deeply can hurt you deeply. Our problems can be fixed. Ive seen a major difference in just 3 sessions of counseling.

We talked about the future last night and it is pretty bright. Its never easy, and a lot of things we’re facing this year are hard and will continue to be hard. I’m glad i have someplace to come, like this, where i can write and be honest and just get it all off my chest. Because look at how much good its doing? I’m optimistic for the first time in a LONG time.