starved.

I just got out of my 2nd session of counseling. paul wasnt there but he mentioned he would go at some point. not sure if he still feels that way, but i’m suposed to ask him when we can go together, and schedule that appointment. It was all pretty easy today, until we started talking about the sexual issues between us- namely the porn vs. me. Its gotten to an all time high lately because i havent said or done anything about it in weeks. I know he’s watching porn every day (not for a long time or anything, I suspect, just once a day for about 10 minutes? im just saying- its not like he sits on the computer for hours. that would be a different story). We arent having sex. He is choosing to watch porn vs. have sex with his wife. He doesnt care about connecting with his wife, being intimate, having that closeness together. he would rather take care of his needs in another way, by looking at other women on the screen. He doesnt care about me.

The doctor i’m seeing isnt really concerned about any of our other issues (my complaints, i should say) because they are all so typical. However, he considers his choice of porn everyday over sex with me to be infidelity in some ways. There are many types of affairs, and many of them can be easilly "justified". Like the emotional affair. One partner is missing something from his/her marriage and starts getting close to someone at work, probably on accident so to speak. They have never touched or gotten physical in any way, but that person is getting something (comfort, support, etc) from another party when they should be turning to their marraige and getting those needs met by their partner. The emotional affair still hurts. But of course "we didnt do anything!" makes it seem OK. But its still not ok for the relationship. Thats how this is. Paul sees this as no big deal. he doesnt think its a problem. But its a big problem for US. Maybe not HIM. But for US as a couple. he is turning to other women for things that he should be turning to his wife for. Sex was designed for the husband and wife relationship. its so crucial and just so damn NEEDED in a marraige. For both parties. you cant deny that its not. Its not normal to have a sexless marraige. Paul is basically cheating on me with porn and leaving me out compeltely. The doctor said that it would be great if porn was enhancing our sex life. There is nothing wrong with porn. but there is definitely something wrong with preferring porn over your wife.

Now i feel so hopeless. I feel so angry. I am pissed all the time. I have a husband who is a good guy; great father, good provider, but I have no lover. This lack of sex in my marriage is more than just a lack of physical attention… It goes deep into a woman’s heart. I think in a normal marriage, a couple can fight about anything, but then they can make love and soothe the bad feelings… sort of like a forgiving ritual. But when you are deprived of even that, bitterness and sexual resentment and desperation accumulate. I’m angry about the wasted years, the years I could have been loving, but spent agonizing about why I was being sex deprived. It’s so much more than sex. It’s feeling wanted, and sexy and desired by the man that you are committed to for life.

I dont know what to do about this but i feel so betrayed. I dont feel loved. Im convinced he barely loves me. He only loves himself. The more I write this right now, the more angry i feel. I feel like I hate him. I picture his image in my mind right now and I am just PISSED. I am filled with hatred for this man who sits on his goddamn high horse and acts all high and mighty and justified and untouchable. He even said i would never leave him so it didnt matter what he did. NOT TRUE. In the past few months, or maybe just many times periodically since we’ve had the baby, I’ve wanted to leave him SO BAD. Ive wanted to say "fuck you" and walk out the door and get with another guy right away. The baby of course brings me down to reality and this isnt possible. If we didnt have that baby though, and this was still going on between us, I would have left or cheated on him or something. I want to cheat on his selfish ass. I dream about it every night. Last night even. I crave closeness and touching and comfort and intimacy and all i get from him is "do this, do that, get me this, rub my legs, wah wah wah memememe ME". He is probably sitting at home jerking off RIGHT NOW. No joke, right now. Im at school and so is the baby. he does this every morning. Then texts me and asks me to bring him food. Fuck you! He fantasizes about other women every single day. What does he think i do? Sit and home and daydream about him!? Fuck no! I used to, but now i feel betrayed. now i think about what it would be like to be with someone else. Specific people. What would ____________ be like with me in bed? What would I be like? Much better, i assure you. I dont even try hard for him because i could care less about pleasing him now. Why go above and beyond and try to please him in bed when he never even makes an attempt with me?! I just hate him right now. And Im suposed to go home and try to make things better. Thats why, maybe, im venting all this out now. Becuase i cant go home and act like this. I dont act like this–for the record.

Where is the love in this relationship???