Selfish

"Well I’m leaving for work so I guess I wont wake her up…but she better be awake when I get home."

WOW.

Isnt it better if she gets good rest? I try to make him see outside of his own personal bubble and think about the needs of anyone else but himself, but its pointless. Yeah I wish he had more time with her before and after work when she wasnt napping, but even if she was awake he would spend most of it on his phone or the computer or watching tv. So i used to wake her up for him, but I’m not going to do that ever again. Its pointless and I told him that.

I have been looking at places to go for therepy…for like, marraige/family/sex therepy and I think I found one place but I get a machine every single time I call and one day I called 6 times. I know, I could leave a message. But I just want to talk it through with someone first, see about the insurance, all that. I will call monday and leave a message if I have to. Because I keep playing my therepy session in my head, like what I would say. I just have so much I want to verbalize, and not to someone who knows me. I want some perspective on all this. I know I am in the wrong in part of it but I (stupidly) dont want to correct my behaivor until I know he’s going to correct his…you know, that old "have to win" marital fight and we are stuck in the middle of it. I dont have to win, and I dont have to be right, its just, I have tried to do the "kill him with kindness" and "be the best wife ever" "show him how to love you by loving him" approach and it gets me nowhere…..

well thats not true. It worked for a little while. But I feel like he was just nicer to me because he was glad I wasnt bitching. But when it came time to be there for me or be a good friend to me, he was still too caught up in himself to pull through. He said he is supportive of my plans for nursing school.Yay!  But by supportive what he apparently meant is he will verbally say "I support your decision to go" and do nothing more to help me actually do it. He will instead, bitch about the cost of gas to drive 45 minutes to the school every week, bitch about the cost of books and tuittion, and question me as to how comitted I am by saying "you better not fuck it up". That is how he is "supportive" of my goals and attempt at going back to school. And he firmly refuses all babysitting duties and says his mom will do it and he shouldnt have to. I am so sick of this.

Last night he slept on the couch, per the usual routine, and when I came out there with the baby in the morning he was butt ass naked, boxers on the floor, and a water bottle full of piss on the coffee table. When I questioned him about it, he said "just shut up". This is the state of things. How it got to this point, I have no idea. During this delightful interaction I actually thought the words I am starting to hate him. I dont know how that can be true,  and if he ever read this or knew this, I think he would say I was the biggest bitch alive for hating him over pissing in a water bottle and being disgusting in general– he would think I hated him over that alone by reading this passage–but thats not it. How can I be IN LOVE with someone whom I am interacting with in this manner? The sleeping arrangements, the "shut up" every time I say anything remotely negative, the huffing and puffing at any small request, the lack of support emotionally/physically/in any way….He is not emotionally available to me. I can’t bug him with anything before work (because he is about to go to work) or after work (because he just got home from work) or on his days off from work (because its his precious day off from work) so when am I supposed to….what do i want to say…not "ask" anything of him…not talk to him….but just get anything from him the way a wife wants to be with her husband? When can I talk to him about something other than boating or fishing or how much he works? He cant handle everything he is taking on. He just had a baby, so that would be a good time to train for a marathon and buy a boat and go into the busy season at work. NOT! That leaves nothing of him for me. And dont I deserve a part of him? Maybe I dont…I mean, I know I could be wrong here. Maybe being a stay at home mom means I should martyr myself for my husband and child and household. Maybe it really does mean that I should be taking CARE of him, like really well, and doing anything for him, rubbing his feet (he asks me every single night and I never do it anymore because I dont like him). And if it does mean all that, FINE!!!! Thats great! I know there are many women out there who cater to their husband’s every whim and maybe they like it! But if thats the case, then maybe I am not cut out to be in this role. As wife and mother and house-runner. Maybe Im not good enough do it. I feel overwhelmed with it. At the end of the day, I really and truly feel like I need a drink (and a cigarette if I still smoked). And I thought lots of women felt that way? I thought lots of women had a glass of wine after they put the kids to bed, because they "needed" it after their day? I feel that way, but my husband is anti-drinking in every sense and thinks it is SO BEYOND TRASHY when I put Lucy to bed and make myself a drink (wine, beer, margarita- whatever). He scoffs at me to the point where we had a knock down drag out and the topic of this argument was my drinking. He has since let that go, and I drink when I want to without him saying he is going to lose it if I keep "acting like my mom and drinking every night", but he still scoffs at me and sniffs my glass and gives me a dirty look, and then wont talk to me or take me seriously for the rest of the night. And I’m talking about 2 drinks at the most, 2 wines, or 2 beers, or whatever. I’m not talking about getting drunk. But even if I were- my baby is in bed for the night. What would be so wrong with that? Sitting at home on the couch, drinking a whole bottle of my favorite holiday cheer- relaxing with my husband and laying on each other at the end of a long day. If thats the way we ended our days, I would GLADLY make him a hot meal every single night before the aforementioned activities ensued! I would gladly rub his feet while we lay there together enjoying wine and dinner! I would feel so relaxed! 

I go to bed most nights feeling so angry, and so bitter than I am walking to my bedroom alone only to wake up the next morning and do it all over again. I love waking up to my sweet Lucy’s crazy giggles and kicking feet- she flips out when she sees me peer over her crib in the morning- and I am so happy and ready to start a new day with her, and it usually begins ok with Paul too- until somebody says or does something and its like, oh yeah, you dont care about me at all, you could care less if Im happy or miserable, and all you care about is yourself and your own happiness. It makes me not want to give 2 shits about him, since he has that area all taken care of. So why dont I start only thinking about myself and Lucy, and doing nothing for him? Ugh Im getting sidetracked in my thoughts again.

I really need some therepy.

I just thought of some more things I wanted to say. Earlier today when I was all pissed off, I was th

inking- I am such a disgruntled married person right now. Like I think of those newly weds or engaged couples or girls just dying for him to pop the question, and Im in one of those moods where I want to give those people a real dose of reality. Like, listen sweetheart. Marriage isnt all roses and diamond rings ok. Its fricking HARD. Sometimes you will HATE him and think you dont love him anymore. Sometimes you will look back on when you first started dating and ask yourself why you didnt see the red flags. Sometimes you will think you can never have sex with this man again because you couldnt turn off your anger for that long. I used to hate women who were so bitter and wanted to spoil everyones parade. I dont actually want to say those things to anyone, I just think about saying them. Same with the tough moments of being a mom. You sorta want to tell your pregnant friend, listen honey, your baby will never wear that beautiful frilly outfit you just paid 40 dollar for (like i did) because she will hate getting dressed and undressed, and when you get her in that thing she will poop all over it.

Bitter rant over.

Im not really that kind of person. I just think evil thoughts in my head now. Maybe I need an exorsism.