regroup.

I crunched some numbers last night and paul took a look at them. He said it was encouraging. We really only need him to have a job that earns 50-60K in order for me to stay in school and not work. And I found (and bookmarked) some jobs that he is more than qualified for that pay at least that, in this area. It can be done if it needs to be. The best case scenario is that he can stay with his current company until I graduate (Dec 2014), and then he can quit and just do his business (that is on the side currently, but bring it to the forefront in the future). He was still saying no to the baby thing, until the middle of the day today. He said he trusts me and if I say we can do it, then he puts his faith in me and ….. so forth. I have thought this through. If I get pregnant in march we would have a baby this december when im on a break from school. After that—– there will not be a safe zone. NEXT december i will be graduating and i will be needing desperately to get a job, a good one, a full time job, for the first time since i had lucy. It is not the time i want to be pregnant or delivering. I am already off work now. We can do this. He isnt going to have to quit his job. All of this will come together. He is freaking out.

I have had a couple drinks. Its been a rough week. I havent drank in so long that they are effecting me more than usual. Ive been feeling so good, lost weight, healthy as a horse. I feel totally fine allowing myself this.

I am really fucking worried about my back. Had to reschedule my MRI for tuesday morning due to my insurance prior auth. Fine. But in the meatime im in pain that is more worrysome than ever, thinking i may have a herniated disc. God please dont let it be anything serious. It feels damn serious but I sure hope its just a bulge.

My main concerns right now are my back, and my husband’s job, and this whole issue of having a baby this year. We were on cloud nine for a while. Its starting to shake and rumble a little. I want to get back to my secure cloud. I believe we can do that, as long as we talk this through and keep a unified front. He said we could talk more tonight. Im thinking….lets put off the baby thing this cycle. Lets try for my end of march window. That gives me a month to agressively deal with my back. if its serious, maybe i wont get pregnant in march. But i’d like this month to find out without the pressure of "am i pregnant?" . And I know Paul doesnt need that pressure right now. its just a few weeks or so, to get it together, and regroup. We’ll see what Paul says tonight.